at the W

You can be sure I am thinking about you, feeling a missing now, turning inward now.
To be in your arms felt so primal, like a deep instinctual fulfilment.
I am content to remain, I cannot contain my happiness, my joy.

i want to be near you

I am now starting to understand that relationships really are mirrors and that our interactions with others are precious and valuable for self-reflection and growth. Intimacy and sexuality with another can enable us to reach to deeper layers of ourselves.What do we find there?
Clarity or confusion?
At least now I can see myself in a broader perspective, my habits, my addictions, the illusions I cling to, my insecurities but also my strength, my purpose, my worth, my dreams and my pleasures.
To realize this with you is like getting a new vision of my core needs, the things I really appreciate.
I am constantly changing and growing, I am a work in progress, I see that I have become aware of more, I know so much more than before, thanks to my interaction with you.
I may move on or I may linger, I may want to hold onto you for a little longer, I may be able to live with you and share this life with you and be whole despite the difference; still be sovereign, still be me in every sense.
I understand that there must be compromise between differing levels of consciousness, balance between views, a bridge, a common ground. I can continue to live by what I know to be right and honor your choices, respect your unique path even as I maybe disagree with your actions or style or vibe.
The greater knowing allows for all things to be and has reverence for the unfolding of life, the unraveling that spreads out in all directions and is non-linear, surely this will allow for great expression and creation, I am sure that all my problems can be resolved, all aspects can be healed throughout time/space if this is required.
I see that I don't mind being uncomfortable, I don't mind being confronted, I don't mind feeling uncertain, no disdain when I'm with you, I can handle this because I want to be near you.


earth plane first

Navigate the earth plane first, learn the rules of this existence; experience the impurity of the dynamic here. It is the game where the polarities must dance and when you can begin to understand the other realms and get a feel for the boundaries, always return to this earth of light and dark, of love and lust, for return you must with your body of flesh and blood for as long as this light is shining it will have it's counterpart. When you have mastered fear you may travel to the other worlds and merge, this is a promise as you choose the path of service to others, soon you will leave suffering behind and stand in the light of a new day, stand on the brow of calm and feel resonance. Do not be afraid of these shadows, of this body, of the images on the screen, of the contempt in the eyes. We are jumping timelines, walking the sky, we go where none have gone before or so it feels and this is real.


arrow in the heart

since this encounter
never so strong, never so vulnerable
now I'm trying, I'm really trying
to keep my feet on the ground
I'm floating away

I concentrate on my work
my responsibilities
now this feeling comes up inside
my body aches for you again and again
I try to focus on my day

we know so little about each other
only feel that something has changed
how we move together
I'm going over and over it
so I leave it, dreamy, stay awake

I'm scared of this showering
of blessings and sweet tidings on me now
all good things suddenly flowing to me
I'm trying, I'm really trying
to keep my feet on the ground
I'm floating away


anger is here, death will come

....so I just did this whole half-drunk depressive rant on the phone to my mum, how I'm drinking now, hoping to slowly kill myself, because I'm so lonely and I don't understand why so many people take an interest in me and like me and yet...

My mum is like; have u thought about seeing a doctor for your depression?



Guard this
The living space
All happens here

This substance
I choose my thoughts
They are mine

From the ancient line
They are calling me
The Shaman


transform my thoughts, rearrange my energies

angels and guides
hear my prayer
deliver me I pray
from anxiety
from restless desire

send to me
I pray
a glorious one
from high
a sexual guide

may you be with me now
for counsel
for guidance
to show me the way of this love
of the body and the soul

may I be free
to open up to the world
that my needs will be fulfilled
in a way that is honourable
without shame

may I learn to play
to appreciate this vast
playing field
of desire and expression
with confidence

dearest guide
of magnitude and joyous light
to travel with me on this road
may I pass through
healing lands
healing hands


their Karma will come knocking on their door demanding payment

patient is the man that can see the empty shells
behind the screen the fulfillment
that lasts beyond this life
on the mountains the snow
may come and go
this dwelling is in the rocks
this movement is glacial
ice that cracks
sunlight that spirals
finds the years go by
foolish are they
who squander the oil of life
with temporary oblivion
what did they find?
spirits cling to them to torment
he who can look beyond
found strength and purpose
that goes on in deliverance
substance for illumination


care not

you think you've reached a level
that your comfortable with
you find that it's just another shortcut to the pain
there are certain situations
that shove you out of your comfort zone
that is where the pain is

even though you used to be so secure
in those kind of situations
now you are a fish out of water
because you have become more real
open now to men in a whole different way

one that is closer
to you
to the pain
new opportunities arise
for growth
they say

i cannot handle

i choose alcohol
i choose to harm
poison this body
i choose oblivion
give me vodka

i cannot understand
how this good stuff makes me
so frustrated
something good happened
never felt so low

i want death
i want to never
leave the house again

people like you
you are very nice
to have

cannot handle

feel only sadness
when they approach
or look
at me

i feel I am gasping for air
knowing  that I am
as the breath
that leaves the body

i cannot show myself?
the real
so painful?

it was never a problem
naked in the night
for sex
never much of a deal

change is here
i do not understand
this frustration
just being out there

split personality
cannot heal
this is here
hate suddenly all things
that remind me
of those years

that remind me
that there are people
interested in me
that like me

understand it not
my purpose
that is
not worth this

when step out
find only inner pain

self medication

know not how to move
care not


winter can enter

Before I know it, I will be gone again, to begin again.
Will I have realized by then my potential?
To be aware of how this life is.
I am not the same person that I was,
I am grown, the behaviour no longer fits, the attitude is different.
It's not the same, I am a player in a new game, yet it is the same.
To practise caution is what I might learn even when hopeful, even when receiving.
I am aware of myself sometimes giving towards causes that would seem profitable,
this has been my state of late.
From the past I would learn that I have only just left it,
I should enjoy the change.
When the dream becomes real it's time to reflect, express gratitude.
The winter can enter.

like this

If anyone asks you how the perfect satisfaction of all our sexual wanting will look,
lift your face and say,
Like this.
When someone mentions the gracefulness of the nightsky,
climb up on the roof and dance and say,
Like this.
If anyone wants to know what "spirit" is,
or what "God's fragrance" means,

lean your head toward him or her.
Keep your face there close.
Like this.
When someone quotes the old poetic image about clouds gradually uncovering the moon,
slowly loosen knot by knot the strings of your robe.
Like this.
~ Rumi