anger is here, death will come

....so I just did this whole half-drunk depressive rant on the phone to my mum, how I'm drinking now, hoping to slowly kill myself, because I'm so lonely and I don't understand why so many people take an interest in me and like me and yet...

My mum is like; have u thought about seeing a doctor for your depression?



Guard this
The living space
All happens here

This substance
I choose my thoughts
They are mine

From the ancient line
They are calling me
The Shaman


transform my thoughts, rearrange my energies

angels and guides
hear my prayer
deliver me I pray
from anxiety
from restless desire

send to me
I pray
a glorious one
from high
a sexual guide

may you be with me now
for counsel
for guidance
to show me the way of this love
of the body and the soul

may I be free
to open up to the world
that my needs will be fulfilled
in a way that is honourable
without shame

may I learn to play
to appreciate this vast
playing field
of desire and expression
with confidence

dearest guide
of magnitude and joyous light
to travel with me on this road
may I pass through
healing lands
healing hands


their Karma will come knocking on their door demanding payment

patient is the man that can see the empty shells
behind the screen the fulfillment
that lasts beyond this life
on the mountains the snow
may come and go
this dwelling is in the rocks
this movement is glacial
ice that cracks
sunlight that spirals
finds the years go by
foolish are they
who squander the oil of life
with temporary oblivion
what did they find?
spirits cling to them to torment
he who can look beyond
found strength and purpose
that goes on in deliverance
substance for illumination


care not

you think you've reached a level
that your comfortable with
you find that it's just another shortcut to the pain
there are certain situations
that shove you out of your comfort zone
that is where the pain is

even though you used to be so secure
in those kind of situations
now you are a fish out of water
because you have become more real
open now to men in a whole different way

one that is closer
to you
to the pain
new opportunities arise
for growth
they say

i cannot handle

i choose alcohol
i choose to harm
poison this body
i choose oblivion
give me vodka

i cannot understand
how this good stuff makes me
so frustrated
something good happened
never felt so low

i want death
i want to never
leave the house again

people like you
you are very nice
to have

cannot handle

feel only sadness
when they approach
or look
at me

i feel I am gasping for air
knowing  that I am
as the breath
that leaves the body

i cannot show myself?
the real
so painful?

it was never a problem
naked in the night
for sex
never much of a deal

change is here
i do not understand
this frustration
just being out there

split personality
cannot heal
this is here
hate suddenly all things
that remind me
of those years

that remind me
that there are people
interested in me
that like me

understand it not
my purpose
that is
not worth this

when step out
find only inner pain

self medication

know not how to move
care not


winter can enter

Before I know it, I will be gone again, to begin again.
Will I have realized by then my potential?
To be aware of how this life is.
I am not the same person that I was,
I am grown, the behaviour no longer fits, the attitude is different.
It's not the same, I am a player in a new game, yet is is the same.
To practise caution is what I might learn even when hopeful, even when recieving.
I am aware of myself sometimes giving towards causes that would seem profitable,
this has been my state of late.
From the past I would learn that I have only just left it,
I should enjoy the change.
When the dream becomes real it's time to reflect, express gratitude.
The winter can enter.

like this

If anyone asks you how the perfect satisfaction of all our sexual wanting will look,
lift your face and say,
Like this.
When someone mentions the gracefulness of the nightsky,
climb up on the roof and dance and say,
Like this.
If anyone wants to know what "spirit" is,
or what "God's fragrance" means,

lean your head toward him or her.
Keep your face there close.
Like this.
When someone quotes the old poetic image about clouds gradually uncovering the moon,
slowly loosen knot by knot the strings of your robe.
Like this.
~ Rumi

way back home

The childhood days are dead and gone
But the memories still linger on

i am here, i am, here, i

In this physical arena, I give you ether.
I give you rise to compromise.
I offer you a higher plateau, not practical like you.
I’ll float away unless you pull me down.
Hold me down, on home-ground.
Unless you surrender to this force
I remain unfound.

depth of knowing

I feel some resistance to it playing out in my surroundings and within me, there is some uncertainty.
Loss of control is causing me to be enticed by drama, anything that feels familiar to me but that is falling away now.





I don't understand, I don't understand, living well seems to be to no avail here, I miss u baby.
So close by there are those that succeed in this game and then there is loss.
The lust lies scattered like dust over this silver, there is no core to this pain, there is no explanation for this missing, this fate is just choking me.
I know you go on with her, with them, into the distance you are walking and I feel like I will forever be trailing, out in the cold behind.
Kiss me one more time for this forbidden love ending, you can hold your head high with your companions and me on the sidelines, I have been waiting, filling up the cracks with studies of life, futile.
I knew I was cheating myself, falling in love with this premonition, when I should know that fear is gone, numbness prevails.

It looks like the longing for a full, deep and intense experience is universally present but can never be fulfilled in this life, any experience of this is fleeting and perishable, fragile.
This results in clingy behavior but desire is rotting, it stinks and yet it never leaves us.
To be able to feel and know anything in its totality is a futile pursuit and impossible for it goes against the nature of reality in which only change is a constant.
We will be forever moving through differing states, moving through contradicting emotions and relationships and pining for a state of love, pleasure or contentment that is lasting but nothing lasts beyond any measure of time, certainly not love, certainly not desire.

When the dark thunderheads approached me through the window, here was this body that aches and creaks alone.
For the day is passing like the white sands through my fingers, for the evening comes as a remedy to be mixed, soothing as a lotion for the cracked skin of my land.
I drink of the old solution that I once shared, the song of solomon and in the air it carries as a siren across the tide.
Drowning in the creek, face down in the muddy water, I would surface but hide, in the grasses I weep for my lost shepherd, in the darkness I am racked for my heart.
He came over the moor with sadness on his brow, like was his trade.

When the music comes in the night; the dub reggae, then shall I slow down to meet the memory of you while I lye and absorb. Drinks can never fully numb me out to this romance, smoke can never fully cloud the movies of the mind, sleep can not shut out the sensation of skin on skin. Your perfume lingers on my shirt, the band plays on, the floating chords.


in her lists of will

Huge change on the current timeline of mind. Switching tracks to where I can be able to sit back and relax. There is no sudden end to life as we know it, the whole doomsday scenario is just completely not a factor anymore and can be safely deleted from the programming. Yes, there will be global bumps in the road and personal bumps of course too and I could die at any second, as a planet though and where human life is concerned, in my reality at least, there is no final curtain; armageddon style. That was a scenario programmed into me, thanks to the sectarian christian upbringing. Nowadays after years of watching the world go crazy; I understand that nature always does it's utmost best to bring things back into balance, in one way or another, and it's really quite alright for me to get on with my life now and still have dreams and everything.


wave on its way

full of this season
down to the river
to the water flowing


the eye in the eye

we do not speak of that
prefer not to speculate
knowledge protects

we do not feel truly alive
sexual machinations
more like a fly
trapped in a web

toying with scenario's
based on assumptions
when did that work?
in the flesh

the spirit is static
like a backwater
comletely submerged
maya maya