since this encounter
never so strong, never so vulnerable
now I'm trying, I'm really trying
to keep my feet on the ground
I'm floating away
I concentrate on my work
my responsibilities
now this feeling comes up inside
my body aches for you again and again
I try to focus on my day
we know so little about each other
only feel that something has changed
how we move together
I'm going over and over it
so I leave it, dreamy, stay awake
I'm scared of this showering
of blessings and sweet tidings on me now
all good things suddenly flowing to me
I'm trying, I'm really trying
to keep my feet on the ground
I'm floating away
I saw them cross the twilight of an age, The sun-eyed children of a marvellous dawn, The great creators with wide brows of calm, The massive barrier-breakers of the world
27/11/2014
24/11/2014
20/11/2014
anger is here, death will come
....so I just did this whole half-drunk depressive rant on the phone to my mum, how I'm drinking now, hoping to slowly kill myself, because I'm so lonely and I don't understand why so many people take an interest in me and like me and yet...
My mum is like; have u thought about seeing a doctor for your depression?
17/11/2014
12/mars/sun/venus/LePendu
Guard this
The living space
All happens here
This substance
I choose my thoughts
They are mine
From the ancient line
They are calling me
The Shaman
The living space
All happens here
This substance
I choose my thoughts
They are mine
From the ancient line
They are calling me
The Shaman
Labels:
MARS,
MYSTICISM,
SHAMANISM,
TAROT,
THE WORKS 14,
TRANSITION/AWAKENING
05/11/2014
transform my thoughts, rearrange my energies
angels and guides
hear my prayer
deliver me I pray
from anxiety
from restless desire
send to me
I pray
a glorious one
from high
a sexual guide
may you be with me now
for counsel
for guidance
to show me the way of this love
of the body and the soul
may I be free
to open up to the world
knowing
that my needs will be fulfilled
in a way that is honourable
without shame
may I learn to play
to appreciate this vast
playing field
of desire and expression
with confidence
dearest guide
of magnitude and joyous light
to travel with me on this road
may I pass through
healing lands
healing hands
hear my prayer
deliver me I pray
from anxiety
from restless desire
send to me
I pray
a glorious one
from high
a sexual guide
may you be with me now
for counsel
for guidance
to show me the way of this love
of the body and the soul
may I be free
to open up to the world
knowing
that my needs will be fulfilled
in a way that is honourable
without shame
may I learn to play
to appreciate this vast
playing field
of desire and expression
with confidence
dearest guide
of magnitude and joyous light
to travel with me on this road
may I pass through
healing lands
healing hands
Labels:
HEALTH/HEALING,
SEXUALITY,
THE CALM,
THE WORKS 14,
TRANSITION/AWAKENING,
TRAVEL
04/11/2014
Their Karma will come knocking on their door demanding payment
patient is the man
that can see the empty shells
behind the screen the fulfillment
behind the screen the fulfillment
that lasts beyond this life
on the mountains the snow
may come and go
this dwelling is in the rocks
may come and go
this dwelling is in the rocks
this movement is glacial
ice that cracks
sunlight that spirals
sunlight that spirals
finds the years go by
foolish are they
who squander the oil of life
with temporary oblivion
who squander the oil of life
with temporary oblivion
what did they find?
spirits cling to them to torment
spirits cling to them to torment
he who can look beyond
found strength and purpose
that goes on in deliverance
found strength and purpose
that goes on in deliverance
substance for illumination
01/11/2014
care not
you think you've reached a level
that your comfortable with
you find that it's just another shortcut to the pain
there are certain situations
that shove you out of your comfort zone
that is where the pain is
even though you used to be so secure
in those kind of situations
now you are a fish out of water
because you have become more real
open now to men in a whole different way
one that is closer
to you
to the pain
new opportunities arise
for growth
they say
i cannot handle
cope
i choose alcohol
i choose to harm
poison this body
i choose oblivion
give me vodka
i cannot understand
how this good stuff makes me
so frustrated
something good happened
never felt so low
i want death
i want to never
leave the house again
people like you
you are very nice
to have
around
cannot handle
cope
feel only sadness
when they approach
or look
at me
i feel I am gasping for air
knowing that I am
as the breath
that leaves the body
i cannot show myself?
the real
so painful?
it was never a problem
naked in the night
for sex
never much of a deal
confident
change is here
reiki
i do not understand
this frustration
just being out there
split personality
cannot heal
this is here
hate suddenly all things
that remind me
of those years
that remind me
that there are people
interested in me
that like me
understand it not
my purpose
that is
pain
not worth this
when step out
wanting
find only inner pain
vodka
weed
numbness
comfort
self medication
know not how to move
care not
that your comfortable with
you find that it's just another shortcut to the pain
there are certain situations
that shove you out of your comfort zone
that is where the pain is
even though you used to be so secure
in those kind of situations
now you are a fish out of water
because you have become more real
open now to men in a whole different way
one that is closer
to you
to the pain
new opportunities arise
for growth
they say
i cannot handle
cope
i choose alcohol
i choose to harm
poison this body
i choose oblivion
give me vodka
i cannot understand
how this good stuff makes me
so frustrated
something good happened
never felt so low
i want death
i want to never
leave the house again
people like you
you are very nice
to have
around
cannot handle
cope
feel only sadness
when they approach
or look
at me
i feel I am gasping for air
knowing that I am
as the breath
that leaves the body
i cannot show myself?
the real
so painful?
it was never a problem
naked in the night
for sex
never much of a deal
confident
change is here
reiki
i do not understand
this frustration
just being out there
split personality
cannot heal
this is here
hate suddenly all things
that remind me
of those years
that remind me
that there are people
interested in me
that like me
understand it not
my purpose
that is
pain
not worth this
when step out
wanting
find only inner pain
vodka
weed
numbness
comfort
self medication
know not how to move
care not
Labels:
ALCOHOL,
PERSONALITY/TEMPERAMENT,
POETRY,
PSYCHOACTIVE,
REIKI,
THE WORKS 14
28/10/2014
winter can enter
Before I know it, I will be gone again, to begin again.
Will I have realized by then my potential?
To be aware of how this life is.
I am not the same person that I was.
I am grown, the behaviour no longer fits, the attitude is different.
I am grown, the behaviour no longer fits, the attitude is different.
It is not the same, I am a player in a new game, and yet it is the same.
To practise caution is what I might learn even when hopeful, even when receiving.
I am aware of myself sometimes giving towards causes that would seem profitable.
This has been my state of late.
I am aware of myself sometimes giving towards causes that would seem profitable.
This has been my state of late.
From the past I would learn that I have only just left it, I should enjoy the change.
When the dream becomes real there is time to reflect, to express gratitude.
When the dream becomes real there is time to reflect, to express gratitude.
The winter can enter.
like this
If anyone asks you how the perfect satisfaction of all our sexual wanting will look,
lift your face and say,
climb up on the roof and dance and say,
or what "God's fragrance" means,
lean your head toward him or her.
Keep your face there close.
slowly loosen knot by knot the strings of your robe.
lift your face and say,
Like this.
When someone mentions the gracefulness of the nightsky,
climb up on the roof and dance and say,
Like this.
If anyone wants to know what "spirit" is,
or what "God's fragrance" means,
lean your head toward him or her.
Keep your face there close.
Like this.
When someone quotes the old poetic image about clouds gradually uncovering the moon,
slowly loosen knot by knot the strings of your robe.
Like this.
~ Rumi
i am here, i am, here, i
In this physical arena,
I give you ether.
I give you rise to compromise.
I offer you a higher plateau, not practical like you.
I’ll float away unless you pull me down.
Hold me down, on home-ground.
Unless you surrender to this force
I remain unfound.
I give you rise to compromise.
I offer you a higher plateau, not practical like you.
I’ll float away unless you pull me down.
Hold me down, on home-ground.
Unless you surrender to this force
I remain unfound.
depth of knowing
I feel some resistance to it playing out in my surroundings and within me, there is some uncertainty.
Loss of control is causing me to be enticed by drama, anything that feels familiar to me but that is falling away now.
Loss of control is causing me to be enticed by drama, anything that feels familiar to me but that is falling away now.
22/10/2014
19/10/2014
melancho
26-09
I don't understand, I don't understand,
living well seems to be to no avail here
I miss u baby.
So close by there are those that
succeed in this game and then there is loss.
The lust lies scattered like dust over
this silver, there is no core to this pain, there is no explanation
for this missing, this fate is just choking me.
I know you go on with her, with them,
into the distance you are walking and I feel like I will forever be
trailing, out in the cold behind.
Kiss me one more time for this
forbidden love ending, you can hold your head high with your
companions and me on the sidelines, I have been waiting, filling up
the cracks with studies of life; futile.
I knew I was cheating myself, falling
in love with this premonition, when I should know when fear is gone,
numbness prevails.
It looks like the longing for a full,
deep and intense experience is universally present but can never be
fulfilled in this life, any experience of this is fleeting and
perishable, fragile.
This results in clingy behavior but
desire is rotting, it stinks and yet it never leaves us.
To be able to feel and know anything in
its totality is a futile pursuit and impossible for it goes against
the nature of reality in which only change is a constant.
We will be forever moving through
differing states, moving through contradicting emotions and
relationships and pining for a state of love, pleasure or contentment
that is lasting but nothing lasts beyond any measure of time,
certainly not love, certainly not desire.
When the dark thunderheads approached
me through the window, here was this body that aches and creaks
alone.
For the day is passing like the white
sands through my fingers, for the evening comes as a remedy to be
mixed, soothing as a lotion for the cracked skin of my land.
I drink of the old solution that I once
shared, the song of Solomon and in the air it carries as a siren
across the tide.
Drowning in the creek, face down in the
muddy water, I would surface but hide, in the grasses I weep for my
lost shepherd, in the darkness I am racked for my heart.
He came over the moor with sadness on
his brow, like was his trade.
When the music comes in the night; the
dub reggae, then shall I slow down to meet the memory of you while I
lye and absorb.
Drinks can never fully numb me out to this romance,
smoke can never fully cloud the movies of the mind, sleep can not
shut out the sensation of skin on skin.
Your perfume lingers on my
shirt, the band plays on, the floating chords.
18/10/2014
in her lists of will
Huge change on the current timeline of mind. Switching tracks to where I can be able to sit back and relax. There is no sudden end to life as we know it, the whole doomsday scenario is just completely not a factor anymore and can be safely deleted from the programming. Yes, there will be global bumps in the road and personal bumps of course too and I could die at any second, as a planet though and where human life is concerned, in my reality at least, there is no final curtain; armageddon style. That was a scenario programmed into me, thanks to the sectarian christian upbringing. Nowadays after years of watching the world go crazy; I understand that nature always does it's utmost best to bring things back into balance, in one way or another, and it's really quite alright for me to get on with my life now and still have dreams and everything.
Labels:
2012,
THE WORKS 14,
TRANSITION/AWAKENING,
WORLD
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