drop the struggle

I have been pushing myself to pursue a spiritual path and so vigorously trying to embody the virtue and to be honest succeeding to some extent but somehow that too has not been properly balanced.

As cliché as it may sound, I too have been harassed by that ‘zeitgeist’ of immediate rewards and outcomes and a lot of frustration it has caused and I am now kind of done with it all.

Surely some foundation has been laid out but waiting for my worldly persona to catch up has been testing to my split self. The lack of grounding in the world has helped to develop the sense of isolation and feeling of difference but the worst has been the boredom and lack of pleasure.

Some questions have arisen now about the value of those studies and about the spiral because sometimes you go down while going round. One stair step can span years, time in my perception is a difficult concept, and my strivings have been counter to those of others around me.

Needing a break from that quest for truth, as doubtful as it sounds knowing me but you learn from experience. Channeling experiments were hopeful but the question of interference always came up, I’m not ready yet. Can that just be ok?

It’s fine for me to be imperfect, it doesn’t matter that I’m not good enough. Maybe truth really is for suckers. Maybe the path is also just another illusion, a stupid past-time of wanting to be some person that I already am. I am that.