duality discussions 2

Feeling like a fool, leaning towards the light, knowing that what I write will come into manifestation. Now I know that, well it's time to write about what I want from this life, and yes I have very high standards.
Something that has been approaching for ages has finally arrived: the confrontation with my beliefs about the duality.
My confusion is about the middle road again, the discussion is about my beliefs; are they valid?
Are my desires false? What about my intent? Is wanting to eliminate suffering from my life a fallacy of huge proportions? Are evil acts justified? Are my expectations naive and based around cognitive dissonance?
Fear, fear, fear. Done, done, done. Exhausted.
There are no true rewards for any behavior. It's like everyone knows this already except me, life can be fucked up but that's the fun part. Most people are having a total blast! It's fun out there!
craving=suffering
Me back on the cognitive grindstone and just all jaded about ethics.

Truth and falsity

Spinoza's notions of truth and falsity have to do with the relation between ideas and their objects. He thinks that:

Every idea that in us is absolute, or adequate and perfect, is true.

Falsity consists in the privation of knowledge which inadequate, or mutilated and confused, ideas involve.

"Good" and "Evil"

Spinoza gives the following definitions of "Good", and "Evil":

By good I shall understand what we certainly know to be useful to us.

By evil, however, I shall understand what we certainly know prevents us from being masters of some good.

 from wiki

duality discussions

The norm is tragic and cynical to me. The false desire heaped upon false desire and the acting, yes, the world is a stage, the pretentious masking of it all, it can be just useless. How falsehood and deceit can be edgy: who may know?

The norm is painful and confusing to me. The lack of originality and integrity I see, the neediness for trends and models just so off-putting. I am not interested in form, completely bored with behavioral patterns that are formed from a need to compensate for perceived lack.

The reality of mind control flares up all around me through the controlled thoughts and beliefs of those I interact with, so blatant and so hopeless. They humans are not to be blamed or judged?

True, I know some who are free of it; there are those, some friends and family members and they know about the mechanisms now. This level of fortune, knowing them, completes the level of pain.

Reality will continue to hit me over the head until I accept its teachings and then it will punch me some more about some other deal I forgot to close. In fact I’m sure it doesn’t really matter what you do; if you chase the desire, go the way of indulgence, slip and slide from Amsterdam to Addis Ababa.

You will always return to a world filled with false pretenses, false desires, and false beliefs. You are in control, mate of mine, baby, baby. You wouldn’t want it any other way and that might make you laugh and cringe at the same time.

i become as much more as i like

That being said; I can't deny the life force rising, there is so much energy wanting to come through. Something has changed again. I have been reset once more. New cycle, me suddenly wanting to communicate again, somewhat manic as it goes, calling up old friends after years, including minor details for the superficial banter. The best part is the absence of sensorship on my voice, on my actions, on my thoughts.

drop the struggle

I have been pushing myself to pursue a spiritual path and so vigorously trying to embody the virtue and to be honest succeeding to some extent but somehow that too has not been properly balanced.

As cliché as it may sound, I too have been harassed by that ‘zeitgeist’ of immediate rewards and outcomes and a lot of frustration it has caused and I am now kind of done with it all.

Surely some foundation has been laid out but waiting for my worldly persona to catch up has been testing to my split self. The lack of grounding in the world has helped to develop the sense of isolation and feeling of difference but the worst has been the boredom and lack of pleasure.

Some questions have arisen now about the value of those studies and about the spiral because sometimes you go down while going round. One stair step can span years, time in my perception is a difficult concept, and my strivings have been counter to those of others around me.

Needing a break from that quest for truth, as doubtful as it sounds knowing me but you learn from experience. Channeling experiments were hopeful but the question of interference always came up, I’m not ready yet. Can that just be ok?

It’s fine for me to be imperfect, it doesn’t matter that I’m not good enough. Maybe truth really is for suckers. Maybe the path is also just another illusion, a stupid past-time of wanting to be some person that I already am. I am that.

so long Jane?

I'm set to release Mary. The days are already less hazy as I slow down. I wait for the night, fortunate to know the dreaming once again. Numb for so long but she has served me well. A seductive guide but with a promise. Whatever you desire, like smoke. I never made it to the house of the rising sun. By the wall of water I openly wept, moonbathing for awhile. Quite sober I returned to my bed for I longed to sleep.

notes on the shadow self

I think everything comes down to personal preferences.
Karma is not a moral dynamic, morality is a human creation, the universe does not judge.
Each experience that you have and will have upon the earth encourages the alignment of your personality with your soul.
If I let these words sink in then I can get a nice glimpse of the perfection of it all, the magnificently orchestrated.
My mind waits in anticipation of that moment when it will know all the answers but my heart already knows that it alone can comprehend the fathomless depths of this existance because of it all being somehow a unity.
We experience what we require.
A contrast between likes and dislikes can be good because it can allow us to know what we want in life and to show us what could be better.

I know when I experience something that leaves me feeling disconnected that there is room for improvement somewhere.

It is because of the shadow that we even know:
There is no fear when love is near.

There is no judgment here.

Love contains infinite possibilities and it cannot be contained.

There are no limits to the happiness available to me right now.

We are everything, all of it, we are the light, we are the dark, every part of it is who we are.

The so called issues I have are here because I am ready to handle them and learn from them.

Frequency can shift.

Vibrations will lift.

There is no such thing as 'stuck' or 'being stuck' only something that I don't want to look at, observe, be present with. 

stuck, sticky, blocked = interuption, frustration, distraction, boredom = not wanting to be present in the body, resisting the calm, an opportunity for growth and movement. 

Wisdom comes to us in the things we (our personalities) often believe we do not want.

Everyone has light!

All are divine!

Accept and love all shadow.

The shadow shows us what we need, it shows us how, it shows us our power.

Allow me to learn your language.

save2

When I walked, noodles in my backpack, I got lost but enjoyed walking slowly without a worry of time or place. Now I’m waiting for a living space, I dreamt I was there giving reiki in one of the rooms. Plant life in the morning over coffee and motown, sometimes biking to the train on a fresh feeling I can watch the life weaving again. Fashion causes anxiety, on purpose, it’s designed that way. I read that in a book this afternoon. Funny that having less people around in my personal life, feels like floating away, it’s a variety of freedom, see I’m accepting, I’m not fighting.

in his lifelight

Capricious when I dial the phone. He gives tendency towards the crying sensation, the melting throat deal, rendering the present moment all. He makes me feel ever so comfortable in my fancy body and o so lithe in my limbs, and when he gives me that sideways winking smile; lovejoy.

Now I am crossing the street to get in beside him and have to suppress laughter as I remember some glitch from the night before. Savvy to be easy during life and to know always that the trip is going to be crossing several states before it lifts off. The sun is quite sparkly again but soothing to be blind, so bright in the rays.

Not one of those guys with their sad eyes leaning, the men desperately sweeping for change, metaphorical chains, he knows what it means, he knows where the life-force went in the war. He moves through my labyrinth with such confidence, it’s because he knows the way, quite a pleasure to see how he sometimes has a map in his memory.

So honesty really is quite liberating, it’s the green growing chi that climbs up towards the wind chimes. Every time I see something in him that I recognize, he gives me the gut cracklings and it’s enough, it's fine like this, it’s good like that. He teaches me.

document

Document
This moment of clarity

Allow all feelings

Remember
The high
Rush of life

I crossed the twighlight of an age
With my wide brow
Forward and of calm

She took me through the dark years
Safe now from harm
My mind is set to release her

All must go now
and leave behind nothing

movement subtle bliss
reiki like
home

Document for him
This moment of clarity