i am here, i am, here, i

In this physical arena, I give you ether.
I give you rise to compromise.
I offer you a higher plateau, not practical like you.
I’ll float away unless you pull me down.
Hold me down, on home-ground.
Unless you surrender to this force
I remain unfound.

Dunwich Beach

The water holds truth within it; the rocks hold thoughts of stability. The air itself has a story to tell, I listen as I breathe.

The night is a mistress endowed with precious jewels. Winter is the solitude, to allow the releasing of debts as the year passes in death. Fire burns the wood I no longer need to carry. I am comforted by it's warmth.

The cold is crisp in the darkness but I am lighter, in the spring there shall be new things. Walking by the sea, the waves are whispering. The lighthouse on the cliff is bringing in the stray ships.

Lonely I walk the shore towards the light, if only you were here my love, for this New Year, for this message I would deliver. The fire is far behind me but in my heart it burns bright for you.

The dawn is like a dream, the rising sun over the ocean is a fulfillment. I am shaking myself off and beginning to smile. I am one again, I am complete again.

You are safe.

Allow this thought to grow and become a magnificent tree, so that you might sit under it and be in peace.

when you forgive...you love

For many years I asked and prayed for relief and it has been dark but now there is an emerging clarity. Now I see that I have been getting and receiving all I had asked for, the darkness was a process of releasing, the night was a blessing.

This morning I look towards the dawn and know I have come through it, I now have the strength to relinquish; I am shedding the layers of fear that have built up through the years.

Without the changes within I am useless to the world, without the guidance bringing about the crisis I would have been stuck in self-indulgence. The lesson: when you forgive, you love.

Keep collecting experiences but relax in the higher vibrations once more.

Waiting To Polarize?

sex-confusion

Years have passed and the fire still burns late at night, there is less confusion, all thoughts are pushed away, they may return at a later date, for now it is clear; I cannot choose and I need not. All of this society would be happier if I did, it might mean that they have some perspective, a label to stick on me, a box to put me in. Ha, I am sorry all, but for now I remain somewhat elusive when it comes to this.

But what of love? For certainly those that love me would like some certainty, o I love you man and yes I love you woman. Rest assured I love you both but in this human arena the love does differ, the feel of it changes from time to time, the body is the same but you that I lye with: you are changing, my lust is changing like seasons flowing into one another.

I always return to her in my mind, I see her as the goal, the ending, quite sure that is my conditioning rearing up again but this brings confusion and joy for I am young! He is more like a passing ship or an island, and I stranded happily on his shores, together walking, sleeping in the sun and more. When the tide comes in the ocean beckons, the sea goddess is spreading the waves bringing in the moon and I am lost without her, there is no strength in him, he is weak as I am.

Once caught up in the emotion, just floodwaters of intimacy, her body is like an anchor for me, we are one. It is from here on that I think and sink, muse over the future, making plans on my own until I lose interest and seek new shores. She is waiting for me to drown so she might rescue me and take me in.

So much electricity when he is near, so much excitement, so many past life memories enthralling me when we are together, so much sex-energy! I could not leave this momentum in my life to settle down until she calls me, until she is once again in the main frame and then I long for her.

Man and woman you are in my life. Such a complex pendulum of confusion and so you see: I must stay elusive, alone I am at rest, a star in space. When love is near I will take it, I will resonate with it, I will give it back in return but you see my lovers: I am still waiting to earth, still waiting to polarize.

capricorn

I stand above my fears

They are like rocks that fall

Down the mountainside

And this is what I was born for

To graze on the luscious grass

That grows up here

In the rain of evening

To sit motionless

Let it fall around me

A shower of light

Here I am

Abounding

it is around us and in us

It rolls like thunder through my mind, this desire.

Every waking moment is full of this, to know this balance; it is the secret life, I am empty without this, the known has no meaning, my mind does not wander and it cannot. It is the life I would share, seemingly I must forget it but I won’t.

Behind this exterior there is a secret life, waiting to be included.

attracts the like

Again he is returned, to pass me on the street, and now as I close my eyes, he is there again.

I was asleep, while his age is more, his talents are more widely spread, his lines beyond my reading.

Back to the dreams, what is this desire?

I know it through and through; I dream and sleep, and then he passes me by like a messenger telling me of things to come.

We are aligned once more after these many slumbering months, alive for a second round, now re-uniting outside of this place, this day I saw him.

Beware of the false streets, say you, and of the older ones who play the game longer than I.

There in the midst of this life and I watching and waiting; now in anticipation for he has returned.

When this flash flood subsides, will I look back on a shared event?

he is me

He is now coming to terms with what that love is, it is not that body at all, or that face before. It is the companionship and presence, the having around of that soul.

I need you closer. Never before have I been so in love with that which I term as real, being attracted to heart alone.

In order to exist from this moment on there must be attachment to that which has no boundaries, in that I am present and pure.

For him that is: being together, for me: I am simply being, detached.

sub-autumn-conscious

A passing comet, distant, on this voyage in your arms I wander naked through a passage of your life, I am not alone always, sometimes linger on someone else’s lips like a secret, accidental.

The present moment is final, I wonder with my shirt unbuttoned sitting on the edge, I am not distant now but dangerously close, in your mind like a spy, passing comet in the mirror. We are wrapped together in undressed romance, heart that beats on top of heart.

In a smile I lose sight of you, your body is rocking me, walking past the window, hands closing the door. Clothes are scattered like my thoughts, fold them up and you are mine, timeless because this present is final, everlasting.

psalm

In him nothing is left undone, every thing becomes complete once taken in his hands.

His light allows all things to become what they are and they are neither right nor wrong but beyond these things.

Where there is no question, that is where he is. He draws all doubt toward him and then up and beyond to where everything is certain.

There no blame exists, no eyes differentiate, the mind can think no thoughts. Liken that place to a clear sky for in him no person is lesser than he nor greater.

He shall give you back your honesty; then he will lift you up, go back to where you came from and start anew.

For in him all things are what they are: innocent as if they had just been awoken from the birthing and yet silent as if they were passing, onwards from this life to the next.

orbital-revel

From the far reaches of the universe comes sound and born unto us: time. I find myself sitting alone, every night staring upwards, wondering:

What is this life?

I lye down, eyes only half open, mind only half shut-down, looking up at the light, staring into the black of night. Just observing this breath, watching this life, I am bewildered at what this is as if I had awoken from a strange dream.

Where is the light?

Receptive to the answer but comforted by the mystery I am somehow just hanging here in space and time, so far away from all of you, separated from each and every thing but close to being united with myself.

All the form falls away, it is slipping from my grasp, and all the attachments are dissolving. I know not what reality is, I am hence removed from it.

I am sitting alone, in a sanctuary of my own making, floating towards the far reaches of the universe, this life born to me, this body of mine holding this soul incarnated like a flower in the palm of my hand: so delicate I might crush it. I am staring upwards wondering:

What is this life?

What is this light?

It’s weird. I don’t know. I really don’t.

beacons of light

They are weeping, they are down on their knees, and they are blinded by this final black cloud of bitter smoke. The separation is now at its strongest, out in the streets, in the houses, in the hearts, raging forces seek to control, they are desperate to stay, and they seek to confuse everyone.

There is much anger and fear, there is desperation and despair seeping out and trickling over the charred earth like an oil slick lining the shores.

The prayers are always answered, down the angels come like beacons of light in this black of night.

This land shall be built anew

You do not wait in vain, I am rising from the ashes, ready to bring my presence, I am come to spread my ambience. All this time I have been in training, I have been under influence so that now I can be a guardian to you all. I return now to fortify the foundation of love between us and reinforce the gentle appreciation, to cast out fear and procrastination, with this love cometh the ancient wisdom. A gentle hand guides me, a soft whisper tells me of how this land shall be built anew. You do not wait in vain for the night is passing and from the shadows you must emerge to embrace the dawn. Have I not been distant for too long? I tell you now I am here, emerged, arisen and I bring love, I am here for you.

you are now aware

I look into your eyes this night and even though this shadow covers your heart I see sparks inside you. I see that there is much love in you, waiting to be released; it has always been there for many years, waiting. You have been anticipating this moment but you have not the faith to proceed, or the courage to believe: you are worthy.

I have come once again to show you, you could say I am the light to shine, I will show you the way. You have called on me many a time, and I have often had to stand back while you struggled, knowing that you have the strength always to continue on your path, I have given you hope now for things to come.

I walk always beside you, sometimes a few steps ahead; when you stumble I reach out to catch your fall. Look up to the stars, they will remind you of the eternal, they will enlighten you this night. The shadow is leaving, dissipating, disappearing and now you can release the love, let it pour forth from you now. I am your guardian.

I wish for you to imagine all that is yet to be, I am waiting for the time that you will celebrate this journey with me. Ever moving, ever removing, ever learning and turning, always silent but ready to flood you with light, and fill you with healing. I look into your eyes this night and know that now you see the light and we share. You are now aware.

I am the brow of calm.

All these things are of the mind

Who am I, just a question mark?

Not even a very good one, at least not yet acclaimed. I am jealous of them or am I not?

We are not the same, most of all not in our father’s eyes. I always feel lesser.

I know this to not be the absolute truth; yes there are times that I feel great.

(Beware: own your personal power, it is a gift. You fall behind when you allow comparisons to make you blind. If you would walk on the path of detachment, separate yourself from this then also.)

(How can you compare yourself to those who are successful in attachment, you have failed too many times in your attempts to return to that game.)

Is my life such a contradiction?

(All these things are of the mind my brother.)

I thank you. Every thing you say is true, because now I see that comparisons are pregnant with confusion, birthing separation, raising anxiety.

I hold out my hands, I turn my voice to heaven, I close my eyes. There is no other way to expel my addiction: loving what is false, believing what is true, suffering under illusion.

You see when a person lets his ego interpret reality rather than the soul or the spiritual attitude system, he is lost in illusion.

(Welcome back, my friend.)

the write riddle

I must write what I know, but I know not what to write. I don’t know what to make of this life.

One moment I feel joy to be part of this world and another moment I fall apart on the floor and I know tears. For many years I have known sorrow and war.

Is this what I know?

I must write what I feel, but I don’t feel right.

Sometimes I take delight in simple things but later on I‘m afraid about future states of mind that are unkind.

This must be what living is like for me. These are the eyes with which I see.

Are these my hands with which I write?

I must write what is real but what is there at the core?

There are stories about people, images of moments, emotions and more.

Who am I? What am I here for?

I am here to write about something real knowing then that I cannot write.

At the core there is no right or wrong only silence, no words, and no violence. No reason for writing or fighting.

Nothing exists at the core.

Does nothing real exist?

These last few days I have felt a deep sadness. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore.

Take This Life

Without a doubt I am now sailing out to sea, in the mirror I see my eyes glinting mysteriously and I breathe. In the deep; I am accepting of all my dark sides. Would you swim alongside me and surface or hide?

You are on the inside of my mind, I am constantly wondering, contemplating if you are as far as I imagine, as close to me as I would like. You are so quiet in your affections, but your energy is alike to Buddha, so strong in compassion, so wise in walking.

While I sit beside you I am content, maybe only due to that Buddha-like quality: I pray instead of pretend. Love can become a spontaneous meditation, a suspended relaxation.

I am happy to love you even if I am just a field you wander through, I may be a means of experience for you like an experiment and I am content with that. I will love even without you understanding.

I am non-demanding in this state, thankful in prayer each hour, breathing, leaving the outcome to the angels, leaving the decision to you. Passive maybe, patient yes, ready to surrender, willing to bless, I will treasure these moments for many days, maybe forever.

How did this happen between us, what is this mystery? A magic string has been unraveled, a memory of a thousand lives with you. Wherever I go I feel sparks inside, warmth, I am alive, before I was just dreaming, dying, surviving. I pretend to capture the feeling in words and I am failing.

Accepting of all my dark sides, I am sailing on this ocean of pride. Would you swim alongside me and surface or hide? Take this life, ecstatic life, take your time, you are mine.

steady in the light

Rutesheim 11-07

In the valley I sit under the plastic roof and I watch the rain. The sky thunders and I ponder. I think that this is exactly the kind of moment in which silence descends. Down it comes with the rain and in this moment of contemplation and wondering I think of him.

I question: why?

Lightning flashes as if to remind me that God is magnificent in his ways. This storm now on the outside instead of on the inside tells me of his power, the healing rain; a sign of his mystery.

Here there is a peace that passeth understanding. Elohim.

Emergence from the dark night?

"The dark night is a certain inflowing of God into the soul which cleanses it of its ignorance’s and imperfections, habitual, natural and spiritual..."

26 June 2008

The medication is working: thank you psychiatrist. The therapy is working: thank you psycho-therapist, the divine healing energy is working: thank you guides, gods and angels.

Life is more or less working once again.

I have emerged from the dark of night. While I was in it I was otherwise unaware, literally nothing; no-one. The detoxification from drugs, the predisposition, the former depression and the new anxiety all made the break-down weeks so complicated as to what was happening. Losing all sense of self and reality is a very scary event, terrifying even. This text will be a reminder for later.

Now I am clambering upwards with great optimism, sometimes not daring to believe I am secure again, sometimes doubting if I am really stable. The medication is making me believe. At any rate I needn’t worry whether or not I am fully recovered because I trust. I believe (mirtazapine or not).

22 June 2008

They say you first need to know the darkness in order to know the light, and in order to appreciate the duality and to rise above it into unity you must go through it. Well I am in that darkness now and although I thought before that I had known it, I reckoned that I had been through the worst and defined that darkness, I know now I had only flirted with it and stayed somehow safe all the past while.

Now I am plunged into the abyss of hell residing inside me, this desert of human malice, and every cruel twisted thing within my psyche. My subconscious plays tricks on my conscious, torments it gradually and this is where the battle is being fought out, I say battle in order to illustrate the struggle and I give it some poetic, heroic feel as I must if I would stay sane. It is torture but even greater the reward right? It’s as if I am being shown what I could become, what evil is, what the duality entails.

28 June 2008

I am seeking to define and interpret the recent events in my life from a spiritual perspective and today I came across these extracts describing the so called ‘dark night of the soul’ and I find the similarity with my experience these past weeks rather uncanny:

http://www.nor.com.au/community/spiritualemergence/page5.html

Expanding and Dissolving the Self: Dark Night and Rebirth

The Dark Night can arise as a stage in a particular spiritual practice or as a result of life circumstances that challenge one's sense of identity, self-image or status. These might include illness, death of a loved one, divorce or separation, loss of job or financial status, mid-life crisis, or an existential crisis triggered by the growing discrepancy between one's inner spiritual needs and the prevailing materialistic emphasis of our society.

"The description of death and rebirth as a "dark night" comes from the writings of the great mystic St. John of the Cross. In an eloquent way, he describes the dark night as a long period of unknowing, loss, and despair that must be traversed by spiritual seekers in order to empty and humble themselves enough to receive divine inspiration... Traditionally the dark night arises only after we have had some initial spiritual opening."

Extracts from The Stormy Search for the Self, by C.Grof and S. Grof:

"During the existential crisis, one feels cut off from the deeper self, higher power, or God -- whatever one depends on beyond personal resources to provide strength and inspiration. The result is a most devastating kind of loneliness, a total and complete existential alienation that penetrates one's entire being ... This deep sense of isolation appears to be available to many human beings, regardless of their history, and is often a central ingredient of spiritual transformation. Irina Tweedy, a Russian woman who studied with a Sufi master in India, wrote in The Chasm of Fire:

"The Great Separation was here ... a peculiar, special feeling of utter loneliness ... it cannot be compared to any feeling of loneliness we all experience sometimes in our lives. All seems dark and lifeless. There is no purpose anywhere or in anything. No God to pray to. No hope. Nothing at all...

"This sense of extreme isolation is reflected in the desolate prayer of Jesus on the cross: "My God, my God. Why hast Thou forsaken me?" People who are lost in this place frequently cite the example of Christ's darkest hour in an attempt to explain the extent of this monumental feeling…"

Extracts from Spiritual Emergency, by C. Grof and S. Grof:

The preceding conflicts and sufferings, with the psychological and physical symptoms which they generated, vanish sometimes with amazing suddenness, thus confirming the fact that they were not due to any physical cause but were the direct outcome of the inner strife. In such cases the spiritual awakening amounts to a real resolution.

"But in other cases, not infrequent, the personality is unable to rightly assimilate the inflow of light and energy. This happens, for instance, when the intellect is not well coordinated and developed; when the nervous system is too sensitive; or when the inrush of spiritual energy is overwhelming in its suddenness and intensity. In extreme cases, the reaction can be so intense as to become pathological, producing a state of depression and even despair, with suicidal impulses. This state bears a close resemblance to psychotic depression -- once called "melancholia" -- characterized by an acute sense of unworthiness, a systematic self-depreciation and self-accusation, which may become so vivid as to produce the delusion that one is in hell, irretrievably damned. There is also an acute and painful sense of intellectual incompetence; a paralysis of the will-power accompanied by indecision and inability to act.

"But in the case of those who have had an inner awakening or a measure of spiritual realization, the disturbances should not be considered as a mere pathological condition, they have different, far deeper causes, as has been indicated by both Plato and St. John of the Cross with similar analogies."