Blissful in its quietude, elevated, deserved (I need not 3)

The expansion has come, the elevation is here, the feelings are so very good now and yet in some way I struggle with them. The world. Jupiter in the 12th.
I wonder how to contain them, I need not worry about maintenance.
I need not.
I wait here in anticipation for what will come, I know there is so much good to unravel. I find myself drawn to thinking of us and then I stall, fall back and just try my best to relax.
The waves will crash upon this shore with grace, the foundation is strong after all, the love is coming from within me and it wants to connect, give, show, be abundant together and be quiet together.
The love is also coming from far, very far, a stream of vibration so high I can barely comprehend the substance, the elixir of this divinity.
In some way I struggle with delight for this new transit, to know the growth, to leave the waiting room. I am here with affluence, nine of pentacles.
I wonder how to contain, I need not worry about maintenance.
I need not.

Feelings being thoughts mixed up with hormones

There was something very neat about him, a tidy countenance, a clear presence.
None would have guessed that he suffered from physical aches and from mental maladies though these were growing less as he grew older. He liked to think of them as growing pains as insufferable as they were, he had to see them that way.
To experience life without reflection would surely cause some depression at least until that got boring. It was necessary for him to contemplate matters of suffering and to ask questions about the nature of the body and the soul.

What is this biological vehicle that senses pain and pleasure and houses a personality of sorts that also has feelings of deprivation and satisfaction?
There is nothing more tedious than a human that never questions the nature of reality, not that tedious equates to boring rather it just isn't interesting.
Should one always feel some sense of unease, whether it be doubts about sex or anxiety concerning identity?
What after all are feelings other than thoughts mixed up with hormones?
It was these above mentioned states that allowed him his movement.

There is always a thought that slipped in below the level of our mindfulness practice that brings it on.

Good to hear that your tooth thing is better.

I had a depressive episode at work this afternoon, it was the kind of episode that comes on without warning, although last night I felt some of those isolation feelings so that was sort of a prelude. The pain has been quite bad, waking up from it in the night and just the usual vibe of complete alienation I suppose triggered the slide, also Leo made a remark about this one guys girlfriend being attractive/hot that somehow just caused me to energetically deplete. I can only conclude that subconsciously I have some kind of pathetic ego wound/sense of entitlement that my soul/being doesn't really care much for, is disinterested in. It would seem that happiness and experience/learning/growing are not mutually inclusive when the soul/higher self is concerned. As usual I can also conclude that support in life for meaning and joy is meager/mediocre at best. What else is new?

Anyways I was feeling quite good this morning, I found a book at the store; Dying. A memoir. The book starts out with the author (Cory Taylor) explaining how she acquired a euthanasia-solution/medication from China. As you can imagine I got into it rather fast, death being a fascination of mine and I've now almost finished it. Reading has rekindled a sense of solace for me and I hope to read more now.

Pain level has been quite bad recently although I am managing it. I have been trying my best to understand the meaning of this condition. As usual I am trying to discover if there are lessons involved, if somehow there is wisdom to be gleaned from such incessant torment and suffering. The very notion is somewhat infuriating because I am often prone to approach life in this way, to my detriment.

I hate to think of the future as a place where I am rewarded for my suffering due to acquired insight that may help others. Although I can be very compassionate I see day by day the ever growing numbers of zombified, pineal-gland calcified fellow humans who I have to interact with and yet also 'be myself' with. I think depression is a fair response to feeling misunderstood and undervalued. What else is new?

No doubt I will bounce back in due time as I always do, perhaps the whole thing is more meaningful as you always say, even though we don't know exactly how or why.