running again for my rocket

November 2006

The time has come and has already begun, time to get out of my head and onto the earth, all I have envisioned and all I have lived most of my life has been in my head, a reason why I have loved substances that elevate the mind and enthrall my inner thinking: the dreaming.

It is time to leave my head and direct all the cosmic energy and creative dreaming into the reality, into the streets and towards those I love.

It isn’t easy; it comes with a cost, it takes grounding and a balancing, love for one. Seeds are bursting open, shooting up from underground. The time has come to be, to return from outer space but I don’t know how long it will take before I go running again for my rocket.

no ordinary border

We reached the border together, it was no ordinary border, and it could only be seen by the eye and not with any ordinary eye, only through the third. It is the boundary that enslaves our world and now we move beyond it. After searching so long, we have found the key; she looks at me and says without speaking that now we are free.

All that is left of us as humans is our longing to share; of this I am aware and nothing else is explainable on any other level. We need not return to the earth just yet.

38. The Return Of Calm

submersion into orange

This scene is underlined by surrender, a submersion into orange, fire and water, every body glistening with esthetic sweat. I make my way through the crowds and revere in the looks of those passing me. I see psychedelic patterns of purple and dark blue on faces, they are like hieroglyphics of some ancient tribe.The shields are broken down and we are flowing, just shaking the desperation away and enjoying living for what it is, for the simplicity of natural physical feeling. There is a drumming of a thousand feet on the earth. There are burning torches and smoke streams of many colors, skin and flames, deception by vanity and seductive games. I am distracted by the hidden and the calling of many, a wanting I read in numerous souls, a yearning to partake of me, to feel connected. We are lost in a separate reality where the rules of society have no meaning and a new set of rules is laid down by those of high communication and symmetrical appearance, they who blind the eye and deflect renunciation. We are a unity of souls all moving together like one organism, here we emanate elation. I am swept on the waves of rhythm and nothing can remind me now that this state is temporary.

Chapter 16

Ian Smith - The Return of Calm ©2006

when?

You move with intuition in that moment of pure knowing, in a fresh brainwave of true understanding. It is just a second, a moment of divine communication and calm alignment before thoughts burst upon the scene, they swarm suddenly in clouds. The awareness and recognition of that moment are essential in order for you to develop your intuition and allow it to evolve. It is the awareness that strengthens the intuition and allows the moment to last longer and shine more clearly. Beware of the thoughts rushing but be even more aware of the inner quiet, the enlightenment of choice.

Reside in healing

They ask me where it is that I reside, they ask this sincerely and I would like to relate my new paths to them but I cannot. They see the light I have collected while wandering, while merging with my inner foundation but it cannot be explained, it shall never be tamed, I can only share it with the free. Are they becoming frustrated by my many faces? They linger with hope of one day being able to learn and I enjoy their company.

This land is the healing; here is where we find the reason. I can wait awhile before my restless heart once again longs for the quest. I would tell them that I cannot have them by my side for too long, I cannot wait around anymore without feeling the cold and they know my separation like a myth.

Ian Smith - The Return of Calm ©2006

a hinting of carefree living

She awakes and leaves him sleeping in the bed; delicate beams of sunlight are filtering through the blinds that cover part of the window. She runs her hands through her hair while she walks towards the sliding doors, never so refreshed. The sun is just rising in the sky and glistening on the deserted sea of cerulean and azure blue. Down the sandy path, every step is breezy and filled with light, a hinting of carefree living. The crystal beach is stretched out before her like a destiny of grace, the dreaming in a past life now breaks like every wave upon that shore of serenity and she fills her lungs with the air.

Chapter 39

The Return Of Calm©2006

the writer to the singer

We reside on different planets and orbit worlds occasionally; I caught a glimpse of you through the window while you were working and in your own public world while I walked past anonymous in mine. I tried to read a book about the coming moon but only thought of you and tried to know your thoughts about the morning.

Yesterday the papers said that you were leaving town to live elsewhere, I didn’t believe them, you may live somewhere else but this is where the memories are. I’ll still hear you downstairs waiting for me to open up on Friday night. I will see you on Monday and buy you coffee, I’ll bring you everything you need for travel.

When you look into my eyes tomorrow you will see no glamour or falling stars, you might see Mars if you hold on for a few more seconds. You might feel the space between our worlds now you can see, you have learnt how to look; you have learnt how to be. A career is a balancing of various things and a journey in itself.

Look around for signs of me; they are not hard to find these days, they are no longer a discovery. In this town there are signs of you, they will not be gone by Tuesday, they will never leave. I am looking forward to the time of our next meeting, I want to explore where you live, even if it’s on a road.

Don’t take the attention for granted, don’t shield off the glances, don’t be defiant and never in despair. I used to never care about people staring or pondering the move I would make next, it’s good to be unpredictable when in this light. Close curtains when entering the house, throw down the keys onto wood, be aware of yourself suddenly out of bounds and praise the heavens that you have what you need.

In my taxi home from leaving you I will look out on city streets and see sorrow in all the pedestrians’ faces, anger in every car and busses full of melancholy. In the evening I will climb up onto the roof and while smoking, I will see the galaxy, I will see destiny and I will find proof.

recognition of transition

Colours glow and satisfaction of feeling resembles the day after, now I know I have reached a place where craving is not a state of mind and raving is second place to just a gentle sober space. Remembering the days of active wanderings through deceptive faces, never really knowing which mask to wear, which fangs to bear and how to be a prince. Every pair of eyes would balance left with right and every soul would wonder where it was I escaped to when the scars once again started to itch. Know now that my path doth lay between the two, between the growing green and the overwhelming blue, between the horizon of the mind and those people, all fallen angels I left behind. In walking I found pride and in climbing stairs to look downwards, do not be afraid; I am one of the masses, just another boy that’s found some new joy in being.

The alarm clock of humanity

I’m looking outwards, watching the world, contemplating the new output of creative individuals and feeling new sparks of freedom through soul-based communication. At the same time I like many others am watching the world with growing anticipation mixed with confusion and always overshadowed by doubt. Where are we running to globally? What are we running from individually? Where does the balance between the two lie?

I am sure that love is growing and spreading, awareness is increasing, I wonder if something huge must happen soon in order to shake the majority awake, we’ve become used to violence, poverty, war and injustice. We have been drifting fast asleep through waking life, now instead of moaning and groaning, turning over and falling back to sleep in comfort and ignorance it is time to awaken, rub the sleep from our eyes and embrace a new day. How many times have we hit the snooze button on the alarm clock of humanity?

I see many young people just waiting; I look upon my generation who have lost interest in most things, caught between over-stimulation and in-action. As the trust in religion fades, the yearning for fulfilment in life and longing for love only grows. It is in our make-up to search for new horizons, to question the meaning of existence.

I look at the world and know that everything is happening for a reason, its all part of the learning process of mankind. Humans in this day and age can process things faster than ever before, I believe that we are learning faster and faster, we are learning how to be flexible and pick up new things at an alarming pace. It’s not surprising we are under stress and falling without warning into new mindscapes and inner space. Our brains are finding new ways to deal with the changes and are making connections with new previously unused parts. We have a world of ultra speedy resources at our fingertips on a global scale. This is all necessary in order to integrate new patterns of behaviour into our lives and regain the awareness and respect for each other and our home; the earth.

Read what the bluelighters thought about this post here.

vocabulary of spring...forgotten

I am losing the will to go on, comfort has disappeared like the summer and now the autumn is leaving. I forgot to change my clothes, my coat of ever changing hues. It no longer reflects the sunlight’s rays, the green of leafy trees or the deep blue of the sky. I journey onwards without much hope, I have lost myself again, I cannot remember the vocabulary of spring, I have forgotten what those words used to sound like as they left my mouth. Thoughts have become mutterings of gloom in closed off spaces where cruel laughter can be heard and looks are seldom without malice. I know I should be laughing, I should be running through fields of flowers and walking beside streams, on hill tops looking down on sleepy villages. For a time I was moon bathing, my cloak captured the light, shimmering as I walked and clouds escaped through my lips. The fullness of it shook my foundations, warmed my ambition, the legend was laid down before me and the reason, now I only care to dream.

Most things lie untouched through fear, fear to knock down the doors of illusion. Behind them the earth is free of selection, division and differentiation. It is impossible to deny; my love is not shy, only my faith and trust in the releasing of it and the appreciation...the attraction of the needed material with which to manifest the unknown.

the shining

There is a hole inside, there is lack of love. I do not know why I am thinking familiar thoughts. Feeling as if I will never shake them off, the cold of being without again, I even wonder if I ever will live without these feelings for they are older than I am. There are no role models in my life. I am my own hero, I am the warrior, and I have chosen my own path. I will reap the rewards for the hardship, for the dislocation of my explanation and for the solitary confinements of my outward face. The closer I grow towards others and the more included I seem to become, the louder the separation is and the tearing away inside. Like a truth ringing out so clear in my mind. It is clanging like cold iron and screaming at me. A brimming of tears, a child that wants to black it all out, an adult that knows he cannot. The moon will light up the path, show me my road in the dark, gradually I will see the beauty of it wrought beneath my feet and know it is all my own, this path is my home, twisting and turning. However much I want to live the life they have, live the simplicity of destiny on which they thrive, I realize that I am the shining and everything else is dull and rusting. I will die inside many times and yet live my life a thousand fold.

pleasure of techno

Did I forget to go out, lock the door behind me, and experience the regular charms of city life? Have I left hectic trams and metro crowds behind? Where are the people dancing, where are the smoky corridors and closed off corners where people lounge to breathe and have silent communal cool offs? Where are the tourists tripping on new worlds and spicy languages afloat on the evening breezes? The pleasure of techno and psycho-active ceilings are above me, underground clubs below me, I always knew I was just passing through. Grinding simplicity is lost to sliding complex systems of doubt. I feel old but know I am ever younger than before; seek not to escape with fury, to block out reflections with substances. I cannot miss my train anymore; I cannot float past neon’s flashing and the scent of cheap food, coffee, cigarettes and cannabis. I don’t know if I’ll see you tonight to have a drink, I know I probably won’t, I would like to sit on the bank at our spot and watch the boats sailing out while we turn our misfortune into new dreams.

return of the transition buzz

Today that familiar buzz was back, the static electricity feeling around my temples and on my brow. I know this feeling from the earlier transition of last year, read about that here. Since then it have never been as strong as now. It isn't really suprising that its been a year now since everything really started to happen to me concerning the increasing awareness and metaphysical adaptation. I am stumbling across information at just the right times, the process is speeding up, the flow is faster. Time is hardly applicable anymore, there is no time it would seem. Everything has sped up for a reason though. It no longer takes me months to adapt to the new space expanding, more like days. I'm sure we are all feeling this...

Even though tomorrow or in a few days or maybe even later on tonight things will change; maybe I will be zapped of my current energy or feel like nothing is happening, maybe i'll feel like i'm missing the manifestation. Even then I will be more in tune, my vibrations are higher, they are there, it is so, I have felt it happening and not only physical sensations but emotional bursts of inner vitality and deeper understandings of myself, my desire and the individual strength I am building up.

I need to remind myself just how I work with this, response is often a realisation or observation, not a dialogue, not spoken words. I assert influence from behind the scenes, I am more a 'felt but not seen' person. I am bringing about changes all around me, inserting new flow into still waters, just how much flow often remains to be seen. If I am craving recognition or appreciation than I am a blind man. I regulate my inner and outer worlds through blunders and graceful intuition.

on the horizon of my mind

Where shall I hide? A storm is brewing on the horizon of my mind and the shadows I see on peoples faces are reflected in my heart. It is time though to face the world, to practice what I preach and draw from my inner calm. My meditation days have ceased but they have left a pure shore behind. I will wait here for the storm to reach me, far out at sea lightning flickers and the wind is increasing. My hair is blown in all directions but my eyes hold their own gaze. Like a tree with roots that go down deep though the branches sway madly, I stand. I would laugh at this new treachery, the scorn of men is known to me. The waves are now crashing upon this shore; the others that once stood with me are being swept away. Thunder drums through my ears, as if to announce an army of fears approaching. Now the rains come and they are like ice on my naked flesh and on my brow they sting like a thousand needles, even now a smile flickers over my face. Inside I feel the first wave of comfort like a glowing, an inner river of hope through me flowing.

Chapter 22

The Return Of Calm©2006

undefined space

Not really lonely, just alone, I was born for other times, they are still to come. I’m not really gone, just far away from all the others. This time round I’m not doing what I usually do to forget this. I have been nurturing a silent cold for many years now and I will be incubating for some time to come. I am feeling this flow on my own. It must be this way; I won’t forget the truth I learnt or that of which I am now breathing in. It is becoming a new thing this time around; something I can be comforted by and something that one day will be claimed as undefined space. I am in a place of utter inward motion and non described emotion, the core of all my actions to come and the end of all my human dissatisfaction.

since leaving home

I would like to express certain emotions but since suppressing them for so long I seem to no longer know how. I haven’t suppressed them really, they have leaked out slowly every day like smoke through the filter of my daily smoke. I would sometimes choke on tears. I often walked elated back home from the train; I fully loaded every fresh feeling with all the inner confusion, every question became the dust lying around in the corners of my room. Gradually this became a kind of system; the fear was put to death with hope, the confusion I rolled up in a joint and smoked. Evolution is slow and social slumber lingers in the corners of my eyes even though I drunk two cups of coffee since leaving home this morning.

perspective and power

Perspective is a magical product of the mind. It can free a man from the prison of the present, from the past and its insinuations and yet allow these two things to provide hope for the future. To live in the present is important but how without perspective? Perspective has provided me with a sort of confidence without which I would be reduced to something quite different than the man I feel to be today, not lesser, I’m sure more materialistic and ignorant though. It is in my nature to draw power from personal insight relating to mankind as a whole rather than draw that power from others as individuals or myself in contrast to individuals. Power is the wrong word. Power always corrupts and I want nothing to do with it. What must I do though on discovering a great source of power within myself concerning others and mankind as a whole? When power is used through a will to do good, it will still corrupt. There is no escaping this corruption unless human nature itself can be escaped…

when the revelations are no more

My outward life is a manifestation of my inward journey, as inhibited as that outward is. Everywhere I go and everything I do is a discovery and a lesson, but not one taken towards a material career or a residential comfort but towards the truth and the purpose of my every breath. To say I do not care about the way things would seem to be going is not the truth because it is inherent to the way people perceive me and how much I can mean for these people. My search for inner peace has lead me through addiction, the psychology of the addict and a very intriguing journey it will always remain but it has taken me further now; deeper into the depths of my subconscious and into the stream of consciousness from which I come and to which I belong. A spiritual awakening has been the result, a revelation of the soul and a revelation of the result of all my doings on the surface, on the earth and how it can all be un-done and re-done. When the revelations are no more I will have found my home, though my self will no longer be able to acknowledge it.

some turning point

This week has been the turning point for me into a new zone, into a brave new world, a turning point from summer into autumn. I got up earlier than normal today and outside there was mist and for the first time since a long time that crisp cold in the air. Not really cold, summer still lingers, the sun fades in a different way though. It’s more a gradual feeling that gently reminds me that I am entering a new cycle and it brings memories of this time last year. They are memories of me still living in the old student house and having drinks after school in some Amsterdam cafe and later on in the evening a gentle smoke in some coffee shop with close friends.

Triggering space

I was so scared that I was just babbling bullshit, stretching tiny things out of proportion. Translating small thoughts to the world as meaningful insights and speaking with great prophecy. It makes me feel sick; the arrogance of it all. Just the fact that I write this though is proof of stretching things out of proportion because clearly I was in the flow and interacting with coincidences and I was on a general spaced out peace. Considering the last few weeks; weed is interesting. Triggering space and slowing down the currents, blocking the memory. January 2006