at the W

You can be sure I am thinking about you, feeling a missing now, turning inward now.
To be in your arms felt so primal, like a deep instinctual fulfilment.
I am content to remain, I cannot contain my happiness, my joy.

i want to be near you

I am now starting to understand that relationships really are mirrors and that our interactions with others are precious and valuable for self-reflection and growth.

Intimacy and sexuality with another can enable us to reach to deeper layers of ourselves.

What do we find there?
Clarity or confusion?

At least now I can see myself in a broader perspective, my habits, my addictions, the illusions I cling to, my insecurities,
also; my strength, my purpose, my worth, my dreams and my pleasure.

To realize this with you is like getting a new vision of my core needs, the things I really appreciate.
I am constantly changing and growing, I am a work in progress,
I see that I have become aware of more, I know much, more than before, thanks to my interaction with you.

I may move on or I may linger, I may want to hold onto you for a little longer, I may be able to live with you and share this life with you and be whole, despite the difference; still be sovereign, still be me in every sense.

I understand that there must be compromise between differing levels of consciousness, balance between views, a bridge, a common ground. I can continue to live by what I know to be right and honor your choices, respect your unique path even as I maybe disagree with your actions or style or vibe.

The greater knowing allows for all things to be and has reverence for the unfolding of life, the unraveling that spreads out in all directions and is non-linear, surely this will allow for great expression and creation,

I am sure that all my problems can be resolved, all aspects can be healed throughout time/space if this is required.

I see that I don't mind being uncomfortable, I don't mind being confronted, I don't mind feeling uncertain, no disdain when I'm with you, I can handle this because I want to be near you.

earth plane first

Navigate the earth plane first, learn the rules of this existence; experience the impurity of the dynamic here. It is the game where the polarities must dance and when you can begin to understand the other realms and get a feel for the boundaries, always return to this earth of light and dark, of love and lust, for return you must with your body of flesh and blood for as long as this light is shining it will have it's counterpart. When you have mastered fear you may travel to the other worlds and merge, this is a promise as you choose the path of service to others, soon you will leave suffering behind and stand in the light of a new day, stand on the brow of calm and feel resonance. Do not be afraid of these shadows, of this body, of the images on the screen, of the contempt in the eyes. We are jumping timelines, walking the sky, we go where none have gone before or so it feels and this is real.

arrow in the heart

since this encounter
never so strong, never so vulnerable
now I'm trying, I'm really trying
to keep my feet on the ground
I'm floating away

I concentrate on my work
my responsibilities
now this feeling comes up inside
my body aches for you again and again
I try to focus on my day

we know so little about each other
only feel that something has changed
how we move together
I'm going over and over it
so I leave it, dreamy, stay awake

I'm scared of this showering
of blessings and sweet tidings on me now
all good things suddenly flowing to me
I'm trying, I'm really trying
to keep my feet on the ground
I'm floating away

anger is here, death will come

....so I just did this whole half-drunk depressive rant on the phone to my mum, how I'm drinking now, hoping to slowly kill myself, because I'm so lonely and I don't understand why so many people take an interest in me and like me and yet...

My mum is like; have u thought about seeing a doctor for your depression?

12/mars/sun/venus/LePendu

Guard this
The living space
All happens here

This substance
I choose my thoughts
They are mine

From the ancient line
They are calling me
The Shaman

transform my thoughts, rearrange my energies

angels and guides
hear my prayer
deliver me I pray
from anxiety
from restless desire

send to me
I pray
a glorious one
from high
a sexual guide

may you be with me now
for counsel
for guidance
to show me the way of this love
of the body and the soul

may I be free
to open up to the world
knowing
that my needs will be fulfilled
in a way that is honourable
without shame

may I learn to play
to appreciate this vast
playing field
of desire and expression
with confidence

dearest guide
of magnitude and joyous light
to travel with me on this road
may I pass through
healing lands
healing hands

Their Karma will come knocking on their door demanding payment

patient is the man 

that can see the empty shells
behind the screen the fulfillment

that lasts beyond this life

on the mountains the snow
may come and go
this dwelling is in the rocks

this movement is glacial

ice that cracks
sunlight that spirals

finds the years go by

foolish are they
who squander the oil of life
with temporary oblivion

what did they find?
spirits cling to them to torment

he who can look beyond
found strength and purpose
that goes on in deliverance

substance for illumination

care not

you think you've reached a level
that your comfortable with
you find that it's just another shortcut to the pain
there are certain situations
that shove you out of your comfort zone
that is where the pain is

even though you used to be so secure
in those kind of situations
now you are a fish out of water
because you have become more real
open now to men in a whole different way

one that is closer
to you
to the pain
new opportunities arise
for growth
they say

i cannot handle
cope

i choose alcohol
i choose to harm
poison this body
i choose oblivion
give me vodka

i cannot understand
how this good stuff makes me
so frustrated
something good happened
never felt so low

i want death
i want to never
leave the house again

people like you
you are very nice
to have
around

cannot handle
cope

feel only sadness
when they approach
or look
at me

i feel I am gasping for air
knowing  that I am
as the breath
that leaves the body

i cannot show myself?
the real
so painful?

it was never a problem
naked in the night
for sex
never much of a deal
confident

change is here
reiki
i do not understand
this frustration
just being out there

split personality
cannot heal
this is here
hate suddenly all things
that remind me
of those years

that remind me
that there are people
interested in me
that like me

understand it not
my purpose
that is
pain
not worth this

when step out
wanting
find only inner pain

vodka
weed
numbness
comfort
self medication

know not how to move
care not

melancho

26-09

I don't understand, I don't understand, living well seems to be to no avail here

I miss u baby.

So close by there are those that succeed in this game and then there is loss.

The lust lies scattered like dust over this silver, there is no core to this pain, there is no explanation for this missing, this fate is just choking me.

I know you go on with her, with them, into the distance you are walking and I feel like I will forever be trailing, out in the cold behind.

Kiss me one more time for this forbidden love ending, you can hold your head high with your companions and me on the sidelines, I have been waiting, filling up the cracks with studies of life; futile.

I knew I was cheating myself, falling in love with this premonition, when I should know when fear is gone, numbness prevails.

It looks like the longing for a full, deep and intense experience is universally present but can never be fulfilled in this life, any experience of this is fleeting and perishable, fragile.

This results in clingy behavior but desire is rotting, it stinks and yet it never leaves us.

To be able to feel and know anything in its totality is a futile pursuit and impossible for it goes against the nature of reality in which only change is a constant.

We will be forever moving through differing states, moving through contradicting emotions and relationships and pining for a state of love, pleasure or contentment that is lasting but nothing lasts beyond any measure of time, certainly not love, certainly not desire.

When the dark thunderheads approached me through the window, here was this body that aches and creaks alone.

For the day is passing like the white sands through my fingers, for the evening comes as a remedy to be mixed, soothing as a lotion for the cracked skin of my land.

I drink of the old solution that I once shared, the song of Solomon and in the air it carries as a siren across the tide.

Drowning in the creek, face down in the muddy water, I would surface but hide, in the grasses I weep for my lost shepherd, in the darkness I am racked for my heart.

He came over the moor with sadness on his brow, like was his trade.

When the music comes in the night; the dub reggae, then shall I slow down to meet the memory of you while I lye and absorb. 

Drinks can never fully numb me out to this romance, smoke can never fully cloud the movies of the mind, sleep can not shut out the sensation of skin on skin. 

Your perfume lingers on my shirt, the band plays on, the floating chords.

in her lists of will

Huge change on the current timeline of mind. Switching tracks to where I can be able to sit back and relax. There is no sudden end to life as we know it, the whole doomsday scenario is just completely not a factor anymore and can be safely deleted from the programming. Yes, there will be global bumps in the road and personal bumps of course too and I could die at any second, as a planet though and where human life is concerned, in my reality at least, there is no final curtain; armageddon style. That was a scenario programmed into me, thanks to the sectarian christian upbringing. Nowadays after years of watching the world go crazy; I understand that nature always does it's utmost best to bring things back into balance, in one way or another, and it's really quite alright for me to get on with my life now and still have dreams and everything.

wave on its way

full of this season
down to the river
to the water flowing

the eye in the eye

we do not speak of that
love/death
prefer not to speculate
knowledge protects

we do not feel truly alive
sexual machinations
more like a fly
trapped in a web

toying with scenario's
based on assumptions
when did that work?
in the flesh

the spirit is static
like a backwater
comletely submerged
maya maya

Timeline Engineers

Document 2

Today I am very aware of the differences in consciousness, the subtle and the sudden, it takes belief in states to a whole new level, more into the realm of knowing.

I have changed. Seven weeks.

They know that time is fluid and that it moves in many directions.

Reverse Engineered = Drama

Upward Spiral = Fun

Now I have experienced this; there is apparently more to the multiple timeline theory than I had first reckoned on, apparently much more than I had bargained for even.

cosmic spirit organises the collective units

document 2

It's been suprising (notable) that lots of things and people today were the same, even though I assumed all had radically changed (become better).

I have changed.

Yesterday I had some moments of space within the timeline, there were gaps of awareness.
Chunks of understanding falling into place.

Other people are crucial for self-reflection, I need others.

...even...

ty

showers
animals plants
coffee tea
books
place to live
the family
clothes shoes
my bed
music melody
food sunshine
peace
me reiki

Solitude, I say, is the essence of mysticism: and I add, the basis of its supreme social importance...

autumn here
moon changed
spirit revived?

less pressure
in the valley
slow path

more silver
kali yuga
new name?

waiting in vain
no more hide
they lied

overtly positive
people often
seem old

useless bane
rising tide
same game

Florida

We reached the key at night and walked down to the deserted beach. The moon was nearly full and bright, shimmering on the waves, the ocean felt warm and inviting and so peaceful. The sand was white and soft like silk. It was truly a fulfillment to be standing there, moonbathing for a time, blessed to be living a dream, surrounded by silver.

hinting of carefree living

chop wood carry water

The teacher's face showed no pity, his eyes no mercy and the young student was once again a little baffled and even hurt by his last remark.

"You certainly aren't here to make me feel better are you?" said the student.

"Your self-importance must be the first thing to go" the teacher replied.

Stonewall

researching past lives

apparantly I could have been (am now)
a male prostitute
drag queen
police

cause of death:
asphyxia