stream of consciousness

September 2005

What about people almost simultaneously thinking up an invention or theory or recieving an insight at roughly the same time on opposite sides of the globe? There must people just like me, going through the same things as me, in the same mindscape as me, all the time, all over the world. There are so many people on the planet that this must be true. Mass fear works the same way. It’s incredible and terrible when fear is felt on a mass scale, like just after a major terrorist attack or huge natural disaster. These things are needed though even though this may sound crude, I believe these things happen for the sake of love. Mass fear can turn to mass compassion and empathy and love energy through these things. Especially during this time with the world in the state it is in. People need to be linked on a mass scale in order to evolve on a mass scale. History can almost finish this story off and yet what is coming is still just a feeling. However true anything may be, it is all still an illusion unless the energy is love energy. I see people becoming scared that they’ll be left behind or left out and therefore sabotage the evolution of others as a survival strategy. Others sabotage the growth of others out of jealousy and envy. What is this stream of consiousness that fills me and drains me at will?

lost on this earth

I see the light
I see a seed that germinates in the dark.
I see it first in them
I want to partake of the human world.
I want the love that is here
I see the hate.
I want the trust wavering
I see the inner child wanting
I know the human nature disappointing
I am an absolution,
a spirit,
a lonely spirit
lost on this earth.
lost in my mind.

I have needed you, warmth not only physical; your body breathing is like the tide ebbing in and out on the beach where I am sitting. I am sitting next to you looking out to the horizon. Fire red, burning orange and golden, they are your colours, sinking into my shades of blue and silver. A man is walking his dog near the shore and some hippies are making a camp fire. Someone is strumming a guitar, each note is moving me inside. Every sea-gull is calling me, like ghosts from past lives, they want to see me running, unsettle me, make me fearfull and always wanting. I am beyond wanting.

September 2005

I have tiny explosions of inspiration and new revelations like a herd of frantic horses running through my mind, and all this is causing me to feel peaceful and relieved and almost arrogant. The arrogance is something that must be crushed as soon as it appears because I know that it is like a weed choking the fragile new plants now soaking up the radiance of my new mindframe.

hidden power

Energy is pouring through every pore of my flesh. My presence is broad and clear and is felt by all I gaze upon, for they turn their faces towards me when I near them and they stand in awe at my passing. In their eyes I see a mix of respect, fear, jealousy, a longing and a lust for the forbidden. Will I allow them into my flow, into the depths of my soul and into my warmth?

I cannot help it, I am almost floating and my body feels loose, sensual but sharp. I am in turn absorbing waves of energy from all present and like a hunter, sleek and magnificent I prowl through the crowd, searching with my eyes, like two huge flashlights that leave none uncovered, no eye contact is needed for I am aware of all. My mind would now and then stretch out towards someone, invading their consciousness, feeling their presence like a warm buzz spreading through the crown of my skull.

Pleasing to the eye, yet if you catch these eyes, they could leave you dumbstruck and embarrassed, so much can be displayed in them. There are many answers and so many more mysteries, tales of hidden valleys and ancient forests, lost islands and vast oceans and more than that; the very core of existence. I hold the human component in my hand and wear the ethereal on my brow.

I can literally experience the energy like waves around me, enticing their eyes. On my face a genuine look of peace and calm, a kind of bewitched heaven, concentrated on the vibe, distracted by the hidden and the calling of many. A wanting I read in numerous souls, a yearning to partake of my energy, to feel connected. Beware fool! A wicked mind is a weapon of mass destruction. Parts of me are being destroyed.

©2005Brow of Calm

Appreciation

If I try to force something or someone, even if it is just slightly or even just with a thought, I find that people and things react to this with a kind of stubbornness and with a contrary negative effect. Through this it becomes clear to me once again that positive effects are only manifested through admiration and appreciation and not through a will to overpower or transform. When I see things and people with appreciation, as what they can do and what they could ultimately be that the flow becomes even, it becomes more balanced. This is however extremely hard to do when confronted with the negative and closed off aspects of self and that of others, a result of ignorance and fear.

The high of the inner awakening

Something is happening, all around me, its a process but the tides are turning. The wind is changing, I can feel it whispering through my hair, and a cold shiver down my back, a buzz, like a drug high. Waves of energy surge through my body and with them euphoria unlike any other. It is pure though, it is me, like a fresh breeze after the storm, for I am leaving stormy waters. The sun appears from behind a cloud, so electric, my world is beaming with light and I can feel my skin tingling with warm energy and life as I have never felt it before. I have entered a new realm and yet I am still here on the earth. My vision is crystal clear, colours are so warm and full of life and I wonder sometimes if I am tripping, for I have only experienced this mindscape and outer beauty while on psychedelics.

The water pipe

A sudden confidence is observed but did these thoughts cause it?
You are getting the waterpipe ready.
I'm just chillin on your couch waiting for you to return to the room and maybe speak to me.
Outside the window there is humming of traffic and the city, some sirens are wanting my attention but I can't give any.
I just hang with the air - feel the electricity.

I have left barren landscapes behind me, stony hillsides without trees, desert valleys without water, they are behind me now. I stumble onwards with only the wind as a reminder of what lies before me. It brings the scent of rain and of living things and with it an energy that strengthens the core of my being. As I look up to the sky I see a small dot growing larger. It is a living thing! A small hawk hovers above me and I hear its high mewing call. It has been long since I heard the sound of a living creature and it is like music to me. It glides away east toward a distant ridge of hills and hangs in the air, waiting for me to follow. I look back; a dark evening is falling on the barren landscapes behind me.

The minds eye

It inflicted the feeling deep inside. The feeling of being torn apart and yet being whole. Dumbfounded, blinking in the sunshine, like drawing back the curtains on a sunny morning. Anger and confusion at this delight and I turned it towards the reality I was used to and so disappointed in. I knew that I wanted this and that I could attain it for me and in doing so I would show all those around me what is waiting for them right at their fingertips. Just out of the minds eye.

As if in a dream

After breaching a high ridge I found myself on a plateau, the most amazing sight lay before me. Huge trees spread over a green sloping hillside down towards what could only be water glistening far away. The wind blew fresh over the grass and delicate violet flowers swayed under the huge majestic trees. Behind me the desert lay far away and storms still flickered on the horizon, but here it was light like morning. It was long since I felt so secure and the new land much resembled my home. I realized this was the first place since the inner zones that resembled anything of my first years.

After the crash

The sun was lifting slowly into the mist filled sky. Amber rays filtered through the dense dew and lined each drop with golden. As my eyes opened and they began to soak in the sunrise I felt a radiance flow into me and lift my heart. Slowly the flow began to intensify and lift me slightly from the ground, white light surrounded me and then it softly ebbed away, leaving me glowing with life. While I observed this brilliance I felt the singing of young trees like a faint melodious whispering over the tree tops. They were birch trees, the mist was gently dissapearing and I could see out over the land beneath my shelter. I saw that it was me, flowing with light. My energy was merging with a young grove of trees in the forest and I felt the heart of the giant oak beneath me tremble with joy. There are countless shades of vibrant green that seem to shine on all that grows in the forests. The trees grow older near the river, by the waters that flow with purity. The ethereal daughters bathe there from time to time. Was this the time? Strange things seem too appear to me and I can feel the earth, it pulls at me and holds me here through the trees. I believe this is what I have been waiting for. They have come to prepare us. Remember the concept of "Divine Timing", she says.I can see her and her face glowing. Radiating comfort to me in Atlantis so long ago. I love her.

Transition - The awakening

I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and stayed standing there for like five minutes battling against the look in my eyes, at the same time embracing it. There was something evil lurking there, my eyes were cold and hard, unmerciful and ghostly. Now I know why I get weird looks from people sometimes, and that is not my increasing paranoia, it's an observation based on feelings, based on soaking up surroundings but most of all: people's reactions.

I know there are times when I can see people feeling uncomfortable when I have eye contact with them, like they are being watched, being analysed, like they see something in me, in my eyes that they don't dare to challenge, something they're not familiar with. People fear what they can't understand.

I knew that there was a deep, wretched unhappiness there, something raw, some satanic spirit was looking back at me and I couldn't look away, there was no going back now. It was partly the weed that had clouded my mind and enlarged my pupils, but more than that, it was me. A realization of how deep I had gone, how I had made these spirits my own.

The mind is a dangerous labyrinth, and with every door I had opened into my subconscious, the more lost I had become. Yet they were doors I had chosen to open, I had known what I was doing to a certain degree, and something I couldn't deny; this was fascinating! At one point I started grinning, smiling, flexing my face, trying to create a new face, a new pair of eyes, trying to escape from the horror I was sending out. I couldn't.

I wonder so often if all my realizations are just speculations, wishful thinking and creative dreaming, and yet there are times (more often when I'm stoned) that I get glimpses of truth. My thoughts get shut off for a split second and I see/feel people laid bare before me. As fast as it happens, so fast it leaves. How can I explain this? More importantly, how must I interpret this?

Has my insight in things increased to a level that I am convinced by the things revealed? Or are the things revealed giving me insight? They are driving me crazy for sure. From being a realist and a conservative unbelievalist I have changed into an open minded fool! With every new insight I realise how little I know. I desperately need some answers!

The buzz of a higher consciousness

I have little spaces throughout the day, as if something is released inside my head, not a lot different from a buzz, just less intense and less obvious. In fact it really is as if I'm stoned. Or there's just pressure, like a clamp softly closing around my head. Not painful just very weird. These little spaces throughout the day are what I believe to be the adaptation of my energy, picking up new frequencies and getting used to this new flow. An opening to a higher consciousness.

Its music that tends to be the spark that lights the dynamite. The melodies and rhythms are what grabs my consciousness and steers my thoughts towards a kind of dreamlike state in which I picture beautiful landscapes, the full majesty of the natural world. I am able to drift straight towards memories and am enveloped in feelings of euphoria and love.

"Everything's going to work out fine"

These waves of the earths energy that I pick up last mostly only for seconds, though sometimes for minutes and if I want them to last longer I can work with them through meditation. I wish not to write this with drug-culture vocabulary but it is the space-language that describes my experiences best. It is also what I am feeling, which is my strength, my power, my energy and my grace. The feeling of flowing that resembles a drug like experience. Although my perception and intuition do not seem to be increasing, or my ability to read or connect, I know that I am becoming wiser. I cannot put my finger on what exactly that is. The energy fields of trees are visible to me and at times are crystal clear; my ability to communicate and interact with these energies seems to depend on this.