cold of this climate 2

Every evening when I leave the room I wonder: what happened to us?
I see that you lit a candle, you hope to bring back the warmth we shared even as you know it is too late for that. You changed so suddenly to a harsh, cold and desolate landscape.
I was bringing summer to the house, changing the hangings, burning incense, waiting for you to come home each day. Now I'm waiting to leave, I can't wait to depart from you. Soon you will have no one to confide in, to share your day with, to cook for you.
I am not enamored by women like you, I will not be again, for you intentionally close down when men open up. I do not suffer from the pathology of loving women that do not show me love.
No more,  thanks to you, for that I am in gratitude!
Thank you for letting me in the door. Now that we do not need each other (anymore); I wish you well.
It seems like a cliche, like every man and woman have had these days, like we were playing out some age old drama, past lives with you seeped into this one and threw me so, so far. I spent many a night searching for answers and reasons and found only mystery and self-pity; yours and mine.

Wheel of fortune lost

It turns out that no one could tell me:

why these things happened? 

why life was set up this way? 

For my own learning process

I guess. 

All I can do is push forward

make the best of it.

I have to accept that answers 

are not forthcoming 

nor truth revealed 

on demand

To live with dignity

In the midst of chaos

May be 

my only way

How is a balanced sexual expression even possible?

It seems to me that growth/development could be towards something more balanced and the universe or creative life-force that we are an embodiment of wants us to respect and nurture the masculine and feminine energies and bring them into expression in a balanced way. Yet despite my arduous attempts to align myself with this reasoning I continue to not get any tangible results at all.

I feel that people, especially men need better role-models and have the whole forces of media against them, especially sexually.

My struggles to become more balanced have not achieved anything honorable, in any sense, because the physical and emotional needs that I have are not met at all. (Right now it seems that way). It doesn't seem to matter which way I go on this, the middle road at any rate has not turned out to be very rewarding (so far) with the sexual desire thing.

There just doesn't seem to be a viable alternative when it comes to sexual expression, I have worked incredibly hard to understand how I can be of more service to others or have I not?

At the end of the day we have bodies, senses, expressions, drives and sexual desire/needs; so suppression is not the way and yet if those needs are not met in any kind of loving way by another, what then?

They can be taken care of and met by the self in a loving way.

How to not get frustrated?
I'm sure most people want and need intimacy, so why do they run and hide at the first glimpse of it?

It seems to me that growth/development just isn't that balanced, at least not in a way I understand it. Most expression is apparently chaotic and loathes respect. Reality asks of us that we change continuously and no-one ever said that happiness is the way except the Dalai Lama.

What if I let compassion and courage think and speak on my behalf?

What if my thoughts and words were really instruments of revelation and empowerment?

Thanks astrologer coach for the questions.
I listen now for answers.

Transform my thoughts, rearrange my energies.

Steady in the light; quit smoking

I'm trying to stay steady.
All I need is an affordable living space.

As soon as I start looking I'm just filled with feelings of extreme rage at the situation.
Even though I am feeling generally good.
I am the one that has to get an appartment.

As for angels, I do not talk about them alot.
Would be foolish to believe that anyone was looking out for me.
After all; many, many people have gotten alot more by doing a lot less than I have.
Like getting appartments, flats, decent affordable living quarters.

I hate life, I hate the fact that it costs so much effort.
Praying for others always gets them stuff but as for me...
suffer, I always suffer.

I'm just just having another rant.
I need ciggies, at least I always had the feeling that I was slowly killing myself.
That was always a pleasant thought.

I deserve a great house to live in after all I have been through.
I deserve alot of things, too stupid to even imagine.

Dare I contemplate...

...that all of the darkness, pain, anxiety, mental illness, any illness, control system etc etc is really my greatest teacher/gatekeeper and the teacher of mankind, serving a purpose....?

The body pain ultimately may be the teacher that forces me to change/move/evolve.

It's all about (re)remembering again and again.

O and the being postive thing all the time is really just proof that there is underlying negativity that I want to escape from, it's mostly an illusion, obviously not adressing the negativity or the duality is the problem and neutral is the natural state i should be naturally in, balance and harmony is the true nature.

Wanting to be positive is really just actually being in a negative place, it is helpful to do affirmations, have dreams etc but not as an escape from the now moment, gratitude should be a grounding practise, so it seems there are different types of 'being positive': the escapism positivity (illusion) and the gratitude/inspiration positivity (a return to balance).

Shadow work is so important, involves so much resistance from the ego (survival/trauma)

Karma is ignorance, dharma is purpose!

Personal conduct becomes everything! The ultimate healer!

Mental illness may be a myth that has generated a huge industry of shrinks and pharmeceutical drugging of the masses.

Freedom: to walk free and own no superior

I am all of those men, all of the potential of man moves within me and yet I know that this lifetime is not to be wasted on these archetypes, on these prototypes, I have been all of these passions. I have spent lifetimes in these desires, whole cycles in these persuasions. I have been all men and all woman.

The mystic knows that this life is about transcendence of this performance, moving beyond the traumatic mastershow of survival. The mystic knows that all of this is seperation, fear and vanity, for he knows the life beyond. He knows he is nearing the end of matter and moving into spirit, moving into balance.

The maya is so incredibly enticing, the drama is so familiar, the beauty of this life is just mezmerizing. It is not without struggle for the moves come natural; being the human comes easy. Deeply engrained in the body and the many lives; the habitual persistance of roles.

There could be great success from some perspectives, if he would just entrain to the game but he cannot. He must leave all to become all, this much is true, he looks at each path and laughs knowing all are filled with many attachments and equally filled with pleasure and pain. He knows he has had enough, he has had his fill and now it is time to transcend all of them, devote himself to the freedom timelines.

The dance, the eternal dance, who can escape?
Who of us will stand like stone as the music plays and we feel forced to dance?
We choose to dance?