I saw them cross the twilight of an age, The sun-eyed children of a marvellous dawn, The great creators with wide brows of calm, The massive barrier-breakers of the world
11/05/2007
done with questions
It happens every once in a while as the weather changes, the seasons unfold and the earth turns. I look around and things look foreign, they disturb me somehow, they no longer radiate.
I lose all sense of direction (again?), all I can smell are car-fumes and humid spring…confusion. I have lost the connection (again?).
I move so slowly, I take my time but I am empty, devoid of appreciation.
Is this something I must struggle with my whole life, is this something that will mess up my chances of a decent life? It’s wearing me out slowly and surely, I know I will be on the up soon (again?) and then a while later, maybe even a whole month later I will crash (again?).
I know that people are on medication for this, I know people get therapy for this, I know that I am still not used to it and never will be. I am scared that it is my own doing, some kind of Karma, some kind of fall after some ego-trip but I am also scared that that is not the case and that I have a mental illness.
I temporarily cure myself with new age and energy and soul power but maybe I’m just kidding myself because after all my spiritual development I still always crash and the crashing is ruining my life, my self-worth, my social life, my dreams and my every breath.
What development has there been then?
I have serious trust issues and I don’t believe a psychologist can help me figure things out, maybe a psychic can.
Drugs are definitely not the answer, they have done enough, illegal drugs have held me together for a long time but probably done more harm than good. I have no answers, I am empty and these aren’t questions, I am done with questions, these are mere observations.
Lack of meditation.
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I can relate to this. I trick myself into thinking positively, pushing out all negativity that pops into my mind, convincing myself I am happy. Then, I'll go through periods of complete emptiness and sadness that I can't think myself out of. I'm on medication for depression and social anxiety. I hate to admit that it has helped me a lot, in the social anxiety dept. The depression, however, that's a disease of your thoughts. I've heard cognitive therapy is pretty good, so I might try that one out for a bit.
ReplyDeleteI like that you are reluctant to turn to presciption drugs and that you recognize illegal drugs are the answer, either. I do know that these problems can be overcome without any chemical interference, but it takes a lot of hard work, soul-searching and meditation. Good luck on this. I do think you can overcome your depression the right way, as nature intended it. Stay positive:)
Thankyou for these wise words MM. I have always been against medication just from seeing people around me on anti-depressants and fearing the zombie-like behaviour they can induce, lately however more and more people have shown me that meds are an option and that they can really help, like you mention.
ReplyDeleteI feel better now, my heavy depression never lasts more than a few days (thank-God) but I am contemplating therapy and possibly meds, I have always had weed to lift my mood and take me out of it but soul searching and meditation are indeed the long term cure for these troubles.
I see depression and anxiety as brain-change and evolution.
Thanks for the support,
I really appreciate it!