there is something quite wrong upstairs now

08-06-08

I am in the ‘waiting room’. I feel disconnected from the usual things, estranged from the usual worldliness, now inspired by the leaving behind of those people that once seemed so glorious and fulfilling, the land that seemed so bewitching, enticing, glamour-drama.

I would want to be alone if that meant not being in confusion or anxiety, I would like to be solitary if that meant not having to fit in, I would like to be lost if that meant not having to conform and be disappointed.

I know that I am meant to be surrounded by all these people all the time and live in this world, live in this city, throw off the self-pity and acclaim the right to be who I am even if it is irregular, never before displayed around here, never before heard of in this place.

I dream about leaving and starting anew in a foreign place, in a far wilderness. Today these have been my thoughts, slowly gaining enthusiasm and sometimes contemplating the end; the termination. God though gives me determination; I read the bible and prayed. I know that even a wretch like me can be saved.

Dad called me this morning with encouragement, it helped because I was feeling guilty and shamed.

I still have very dark, hopeless thoughts about myself and my future, so insecure at times. I desire to be the same, I desire to be heterosexual, I desire to be loved, I desire to be secure but these things are keeping me down.

Acceptance is still difficult when not stoned or drunk or abusing some other chemical. There is this forever plaguing sexual confusion and now twisted terrible thoughts assault me, I can only believe in God to lead me. I am like a blind beggar on a crowded boulevard, stumbling without a stick, mumbling without a tongue. I am hungry for meditation (medication) and my former ease, my former numbness to these things.

Closing my eyes to rest can cause distress, lying in on a Sunday morning can cause sin. I define sin as cruelty to self. Meditation now causes me to be fearful when before it was my tranquilizer, my work-out, my spiritual battery recharging mechanism. I cannot do that anymore.

I went jogging today and it felt good, it felt like a drug, I am really coming to appreciate the endorphin release. This must become my new substance.

Thank you for the music, thanks to all those praying for me, again I cannot comprehend this love from all these people, some unseen, many unknown. This must be the new love. My brain is close to being fixed, near to being restored to balance and rest. Today was not inside or outside, it was disconnected but not so bad. Tomorrow back to work, I am not thinking about the new job or this one I am leaving.

I still keep thinking that I don’t need anti-depressants because I sometimes feel o.k., sometimes I feel good and content for long periods of time. I am starting to accept that there is something quite wrong upstairs now, something needing repair.

????=God

Source: journal of my recent burn-out/psycho/depression/anxiety disorder /rediscovering God trip