there is something quite wrong upstairs now

08-06-08

I am in the ‘waiting room’. I feel disconnected from the usual things, estranged from the usual worldliness, now inspired by the leaving behind of those people that once seemed so glorious and fulfilling, the land that seemed so bewitching, enticing, glamour-drama.

I would want to be alone if that meant not being in confusion or anxiety, I would like to be solitary if that meant not having to fit in, I would like to be lost if that meant not having to conform and be disappointed.

I know that I am meant to be surrounded by all these people all the time and live in this world, live in this city, throw off the self-pity and acclaim the right to be who I am even if it is irregular, never before displayed around here, never before heard of in this place.

I dream about leaving and starting anew in a foreign place, in a far wilderness. Today these have been my thoughts, slowly gaining enthusiasm and sometimes contemplating the end; the termination. God though gives me determination; I read the bible and prayed. I know that even a wretch like me can be saved.

Dad called me this morning with encouragement, it helped because I was feeling guilty and shamed.

I still have very dark, hopeless thoughts about myself and my future, so insecure at times. I desire to be the same, I desire to be heterosexual, I desire to be loved, I desire to be secure but these things are keeping me down.

Acceptance is still difficult when not stoned or drunk or abusing some other chemical. There is this forever plaguing sexual confusion and now twisted terrible thoughts assault me, I can only believe in God to lead me. I am like a blind beggar on a crowded boulevard, stumbling without a stick, mumbling without a tongue. I am hungry for meditation (medication) and my former ease, my former numbness to these things.

Closing my eyes to rest can cause distress, lying in on a Sunday morning can cause sin. I define sin as cruelty to self. Meditation now causes me to be fearful when before it was my tranquilizer, my work-out, my spiritual battery recharging mechanism. I cannot do that anymore.

I went jogging today and it felt good, it felt like a drug, I am really coming to appreciate the endorphin release. This must become my new substance.

Thank you for the music, thanks to all those praying for me, again I cannot comprehend this love from all these people, some unseen, many unknown. This must be the new love. My brain is close to being fixed, near to being restored to balance and rest. Today was not inside or outside, it was disconnected but not so bad. Tomorrow back to work, I am not thinking about the new job or this one I am leaving.

I still keep thinking that I don’t need anti-depressants because I sometimes feel o.k., sometimes I feel good and content for long periods of time. I am starting to accept that there is something quite wrong upstairs now, something needing repair.

????=God

Source: journal of my recent burn-out/psycho/depression/anxiety disorder /rediscovering God trip

The Consciousness Revolution

One day you’re tooling along, working your normal job, living your normal life, and everything seems OK. But something happens that triggers a sudden expansion of your awareness, and for that brief moment of perfect clarity, you know what it’s like to be fully awake. You’re struck by the terrifying realization that your life has gotten way off course, and that you’re really meant to be doing something entirely different. You notice the various problems of the world, and you get the strong impression that you’re supposed to do something about these problems personally. But as you look around, you can’t help but notice that no one else sees what you see, at least not with the same degree of responsibility, so you don’t know what else to do except go back to sleep and hope everything will be OK. And maybe you do manage to go back to sleep for a while, but it’s really too late because you no longer find fulfillment in your old life no matter how hard you try. The whole experience may even lead to post-awakening depression. Unfortunately, you don’t yet know how to find fulfillment in your new level of consciousness. So you do your best to quietly cooperate with the status quo while being stuck with the awareness that something is definitely not right. The more you resist your new level of awareness, the more it haunts you.

Read more of this amazing article on the Steve Pavlina blog.

Age of Information

This is the information age, no one's ever been less important.

Nuke (bluelighter)

Generation Y and Depression

Black Of day, Dark Of Night

by Zeteticus

How many of you have a voice in your head telling you you're nothing, you're a loser, your life amounts to absolutely nothing? Sometimes, the darkness of depression is so thick you can slice through it with a knife. Life seems to hold little, if any, real meaning. I realize it's a process; sometimes we must undergo such suffering, but God, it's so difficult.

In my view, such feelings are the manifestation of a death-process, a dying of the old so that the new can come forth. This is the way of Nature. Just as Winter brings death to things in Nature, so we too experience a dying. I know I usually do every year about this time.

When I get like this, it's very difficult to write. I feel so uninterested in most everything, especially trying to figure out what life is all about. I have come to the conclusion that one should simply live for the moment and forget about all the extraneous bullshit that life brings. Just experience this particular moment for what it is. So it's black; shit happens. Live it, breathe it, feel it. It's part of existence (I am showing my existentialist bent). Fuck everything else. Just exist. Enigmatic Nothingness