i need not (2)

The future seems so uncertain, because I am alone, because I am one that must be shown. I can trust that you will walk beside me, sit beside me, watch over me while I sleep and teach me as I dream.

I can think of nothing better to do than voice my thoughts in words, while I write I take delight in you: that I have you, that I need not worry about getting, I need not be anxious about being, I need not be fearful about leaving. I need not.

i need not

Are you the blackbird high in the tree?

I look around at all the abundance

How can it be that I doubt?

Evening falls. I listen to the singing. I rejoice

Is this not what life is about?

Even though I am without a companion

I can share my happiness with you

They may think me mad

As I converse with the angels

Dancing to the music of nature

Comfortable for the hours of silence

When they come with the night

there is something quite wrong upstairs now

08-06-08

I am in the ‘waiting room’. I feel disconnected from the usual things, estranged from the usual worldliness, now inspired by the leaving behind of those people that once seemed so glorious and fulfilling, the land that seemed so bewitching, enticing, glamour-drama.

I would want to be alone if that meant not being in confusion or anxiety, I would like to be solitary if that meant not having to fit in, I would like to be lost if that meant not having to conform and be disappointed.

I know that I am meant to be surrounded by all these people all the time and live in this world, live in this city, throw off the self-pity and acclaim the right to be who I am even if it is irregular, never before displayed around here, never before heard of in this place.

I dream about leaving and starting anew in a foreign place, in a far wilderness. Today these have been my thoughts, slowly gaining enthusiasm and sometimes contemplating the end; the termination. God though gives me determination; I read the bible and prayed. I know that even a wretch like me can be saved.

Dad called me this morning with encouragement, it helped because I was feeling guilty and shamed.

I still have very dark, hopeless thoughts about myself and my future, so insecure at times. I desire to be the same, I desire to be heterosexual, I desire to be loved, I desire to be secure but these things are keeping me down.

Acceptance is still difficult when not stoned or drunk or abusing some other chemical. There is this forever plaguing sexual confusion and now twisted terrible thoughts assault me, I can only believe in God to lead me. I am like a blind beggar on a crowded boulevard, stumbling without a stick, mumbling without a tongue. I am hungry for meditation (medication) and my former ease, my former numbness to these things.

Closing my eyes to rest can cause distress, lying in on a Sunday morning can cause sin. I define sin as cruelty to self. Meditation now causes me to be fearful when before it was my tranquilizer, my work-out, my spiritual battery recharging mechanism. I cannot do that anymore.

I went jogging today and it felt good, it felt like a drug, I am really coming to appreciate the endorphin release. This must become my new substance.

Thank you for the music, thanks to all those praying for me, again I cannot comprehend this love from all these people, some unseen, many unknown. This must be the new love. My brain is close to being fixed, near to being restored to balance and rest. Today was not inside or outside, it was disconnected but not so bad. Tomorrow back to work, I am not thinking about the new job or this one I am leaving.

I still keep thinking that I don’t need anti-depressants because I sometimes feel o.k., sometimes I feel good and content for long periods of time. I am starting to accept that there is something quite wrong upstairs now, something needing repair.

????=God

Source: journal of my recent burn-out/psycho/depression/anxiety disorder /rediscovering God trip

The Tower

Here I am emerged from this time of shifting earth; I do not claim it is over yet, the splitting, shaking and resettling.

I would have thought you gone from my thoughts. I reckoned on your disappearance from my heart. Still you are there,

You look at me now with those same sort eyes, holding a torment of love and an earthquake of longing.

Do you not see that my tower has crumbled?

For many years I hid inside its mighty walls, conducted lightning bolts into the earth and I glanced down scornfully at those who would rightfully judge me, including you.

I was pretending to be invincible, hiding behind smokescreens like only a magician can. I was in delusion but I have been crumbled, now in all things…humbled.

I expected no attention from you in the wreckage and debris; I thought you lost in the chaos. Still you are there and love is returned to me.

I cannot believe I am laughing, thinking myself to be depressed.

I surrender now to more tremors if they may come, expecting nothing, rejoicing in my newest deliverance.

Naked am I in simplicity and here I stand face to face with you (again).

detox

I am proud to say that I have stopped with all drugz except coffee which I am keeping to a minimum of one cup a day. Seven weeks ago my body and mind crashed due to a rather reckless lifestyle and many years of recreational substance abuse and several addictions. It wasn’t planned but it happened and I found myself in a nasty withdrawal faze from which I am now starting to recover.

Everything is new now and I am attempting to lead a more responsible lifestyle (acceptance and love of self) without clinging to addictions. These past years I do not condemn in the least for they too served a purpose and I enjoyed the highs and the company. The knowledge gained through mind altering substances on the way was valuable, essential even.

Spirit has been working with me, I have been guided towards this point and I had to leave my old lifestyle behind me, the outer behavior no longer fitted the man within. It was a very necessary step in order to grow further. This recent process has been largely out of my control and I had to just sit back (in suffering) and watch as a whole part of me just fell away. Many fears and hurts from the past surfaced during this time to be healed.

In order to hold and recieve the energy of the higher dimensions my body needed clearing and it did it largely on its own. They say it takes roughly three months before the body is back in balance after a drugs detox, I am only halfway there and the shifts are by no means over but I feel more in control of my emotions now and am positive (most of the time) about my future. This was a very uncomfortable blessing and a very difficult one to receive with my ego protesting so fiercely.

It’s not over yet but there is psycho-therapy and lots of herbal tea to look forward to as I return to the relaxation and the higher vibrations.

anger/rage/rest

A nightmare comes to me this noon.

This affliction casts a rage over me, a demonic hate is consuming me.

Why am I unsettled, fallen, at the mercy of illusion?

Sweating, writhing, as if gripped by a deadly fever, chills to my heart.

My mind is hostile to thee, my kin.

You stir me to wrath, my beloved ones.

This conscience planted in me, it hurts as I uproot it and cast it from my bed.

A deeper sorrow was not known to me until now.

These hours are heavy on my soul, I would force you hither.

I tear this love from that and this grudge from that.

Anger is a weapon, a dagger I plunge into you with every thought.

Not unlike to a wasp am I, aggravated to a frenzy of stinging.

Then to sleep and dream, dissolve into me, return to me, moon.

Trippy Dream

Last night I dreamt of my parents again. I fought viciously with them again in the presence of strangers in half-light. I had a bunch of ragged clothes in my hands. I stood there and they were sitting at a picnic table, eyeing me cruelly, smirking with disdain. Not understanding me.

I ran outside to where a yellow ugly duckling car was parked, my female friends with big hair were hanging in the front smoking cigarettes, the boot was open. I dumped my things in the back and felt such a craving and an excitement; I wanted to smoke at least ten cigarettes, one after the other.

Doors slammed shut and we drove away in the yellow car, we drove down lanes with high hedges, we drove past fair-grounds and festivals in England. I looked from the window at the people, they were all in semi darkness, from all walks of life, friends and lovers, men kissing each other passionately.

We sped by in a haze and I felt such sadness and anger. I felt such a need to numb myself out. I laid my head back on the seat, closed my eyes and then I suddenly became aware.

I knew then that my parents were flooding me with love from afar. They were sending overwhelming comfort to me from afar.

I awoke in my Amsterdam bed this morning wondering WTF that was.

resistance is no longer existence

From this void, this space, this newly self created nothingness, now arises the warmth, the form of a man.

I am here.

With this strong countenance, confident and loving, I am now impeding on this ever unfolding present, this moment of never-ending rebirth, standing and conveying; the future is so glamorous.

I am built upon a rock of extremities, tried righteousness, ever sinking, sinking, and sinking beneath the stormy waters of the hardship.

These past years of mine caught the attention of countless angels. I fought, I struggled, with them as witnesses, they watched me work with curious admiration.

The present moment rises from between these two invisible non-existent points, delving amongst the records of both I unfold. War is over. In the company of these masters I now embark.

Am I this?

Am I that?

Forget this concrete, forget this glass, and try to ditch the false urban pretense, the inner city mask.

I am.

I am now bringing earth to this city of water, before bringing nothing but lust. I am now bringing that peace, that starry night, bringing the revolution.

There is nothing outside of me anymore. There is nothing of worth in this so-called world for me anymore, there are none who dare. The future is so misleading, the past is so revealing, and both are receding.

In each mans mind there is a garden in which I wander, planting seeds, burning, cutting, and destroying. Resistance is no longer existence. I am breathing.

With this strong countenance, confident and loving, I am now impeding on this ever unfolding present, this moment of never-ending rebirth, standing and conveying.

I am laughing at my judging nature once again and they are laughing with me, my personal witness crowd. I am righteous again.

Rejoin, not to repel or repeal but to fuse

I have walked for years, alone, maybe around the globe.

That I might cast illumination on the separation that I am, that I might eliminate the suffering that I am not.

Only to realize that this is wasted, a useless notion, walking away from the deliverance, turning my back on this redemption, when in the surrender the power awakens. 

I cannot rest until I am free. Then I never shall rest. What a folly!

Accept the consequences of acceptance and rest.

Focus Shift

I have been enjoying experimenting with the new energy and the Law of Attraction, I have been feeling so grateful and at home in my new surroundings. There is an abundance of things around me, I have everything I need, these kinds of thoughts, and the universe is responding. I am aware of how this works now more than ever before. (Relax in the higher vibration)

Last week though: struggles, feeling stuck, disorientation, suddenly back in the old energy. There were some issues (money and addictions) and they floored me in one dismal sweep and it was like once again everything I have ever learned had disappeared.

I know that most of the humans on earth (because we are all linked) are going through a psychological shift that has been quite intense of late. The inner is now being manifested in the outer and you can see that all over the world: the shift. The old structures are collapsing and I was feeling it.

Enter Valley.

Because of my relaxation months and the abundance and balance (and the organic food) I had become a little self absorbed and oblivious, nothing wrong with that, it was after all a Capricorn-good-living-vibe that I had not yet fully experienced and it was good. (Sweet indulgence)

My chakra’s have been over stimulated these past weeks and kind of had an overload. I have been open and speaking, I have shown more of myself in the past few months than I have in years. I have had a lot of acceptance for myself. The chakras have been aligned but had been overrun by the powerful new energy that my body just can’t handle yet and they spun out. I am overwhelmed by the intensity (drama queen). My body is incorporating the new energy but it needs time, it needs devotion.

Meditation.

I am being forced to change, if I want to fully embody the new energy I must change my lifestyle and my focus. The reminders were unpleasant, they were necessary. Although the suffering is unpleasant, it is necessary.

Although I feel stuck (because I can’t have everything at once) I have to trust and open my eyes. Shift my focus. I have to get back into that flow of gratitude for what I have again, gratitude for all these things around me, for all these things within me.

I have everything I need right now. Patience. Trust.

relax in the higher vibration

At this stage in humanity we are still very much connected and living through the mind and we definitely still need it but we are approaching a time in which we will start to connect more and more through the heart and seek to re-connect with the earth and with the cosmos.

There will be a new way of communicating and expressing our love and gratitude because this is the only way we will save the planet and ourselves. It is the next step, we have come this far.

We will get to this place soon because we want to learn, we want to grow and we want to experience more. We can be in that place now anywhere.

Once we start living through the heart, we become more accepting and more "at home", we strengthen our connection with ‘source’ and we attract more, we experience more but we are content with what we have and this is a higher vibration.

End duality. Enter unity.

this passing delusion

The protective layers that vibrate around me, the shields that cover my back, I would have left them all for you. I would have replaced them with you, I have broken loose now. Even now I tremble, resembles ecstasy in my gut, the man in me silent in bliss because you passed by and awoke yearning for bridging of the separation. I would have crossed the bridge, I am the bridge. If this delusion were to dissipate I would still be living in illusion allowing your presence close to mine and sending forth strong arms with which to hold you closer to me. I express gratitude through music, because this is real in so far as that I have felt love.