care not

you think you've reached a level
that your comfortable with
you find that it's just another shortcut to the pain
there are certain situations
that shove you out of your comfort zone
that is where the pain is

even though you used to be so secure
in those kind of situations
now you are a fish out of water
because you have become more real
open now to men in a whole different way

one that is closer
to you
to the pain
new opportunities arise
for growth
they say

i cannot handle
cope

i choose alcohol
i choose to harm
poison this body
i choose oblivion
give me vodka

i cannot understand
how this good stuff makes me
so frustrated
something good happened
never felt so low

i want death
i want to never
leave the house again

people like you
you are very nice
to have
around

cannot handle
cope

feel only sadness
when they approach
or look
at me

i feel I am gasping for air
knowing  that I am
as the breath
that leaves the body

i cannot show myself?
the real
so painful?

it was never a problem
naked in the night
for sex
never much of a deal
confident

change is here
reiki
i do not understand
this frustration
just being out there

split personality
cannot heal
this is here
hate suddenly all things
that remind me
of those years

that remind me
that there are people
interested in me
that like me

understand it not
my purpose
that is
pain
not worth this

when step out
wanting
find only inner pain

vodka
weed
numbness
comfort
self medication

know not how to move
care not