Transition - The awakening

I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and stayed standing there for like five minutes battling against the look in my eyes, at the same time embracing it. There was something evil lurking there, my eyes were cold and hard, unmerciful and ghostly. Now I know why I get weird looks from people sometimes, and that is not my increasing paranoia, it's an observation based on feelings, based on soaking up surroundings but most of all: people's reactions.

I know there are times when I can see people feeling uncomfortable when I have eye contact with them, like they are being watched, being analysed, like they see something in me, in my eyes that they don't dare to challenge, something they're not familiar with. People fear what they can't understand.

I knew that there was a deep, wretched unhappiness there, something raw, some satanic spirit was looking back at me and I couldn't look away, there was no going back now. It was partly the weed that had clouded my mind and enlarged my pupils, but more than that, it was me. A realization of how deep I had gone, how I had made these spirits my own.

The mind is a dangerous labyrinth, and with every door I had opened into my subconscious, the more lost I had become. Yet they were doors I had chosen to open, I had known what I was doing to a certain degree, and something I couldn't deny; this was fascinating! At one point I started grinning, smiling, flexing my face, trying to create a new face, a new pair of eyes, trying to escape from the horror I was sending out. I couldn't.

I wonder so often if all my realizations are just speculations, wishful thinking and creative dreaming, and yet there are times (more often when I'm stoned) that I get glimpses of truth. My thoughts get shut off for a split second and I see/feel people laid bare before me. As fast as it happens, so fast it leaves. How can I explain this? More importantly, how must I interpret this?

Has my insight in things increased to a level that I am convinced by the things revealed? Or are the things revealed giving me insight? They are driving me crazy for sure. From being a realist and a conservative unbelievalist I have changed into an open minded fool! With every new insight I realise how little I know. I desperately need some answers!