Greece 1

 I'm ordering my takeaway at the street bar, one pita gyros and a Greek salad, the young guy recognizes me from earlier in the week and the older guy comes over and pats me on the arm, just for a moment his hand gently squeezes my shoulder. He smiles affectionately at me but it's as if I'm the stranger who you can't place in that scene. The stranger who you want to be close to but know you cannot. I'm touched by his gesture somehow. 

The younger guy asks whether I need a fork while a woman, probably the mother throws a salad together and I ask for two forks even though I am alone. I could have had a girlfriend waiting at the hotel, the salad could be for her. I don't know why I would want to give that impression and to be honest I don't. I'm not embarrassed to be on the island by myself. The woman asks her son if I want a lot of olive oil on my salad and if I want crushed oregano. Just a bit please, I say it twice for both condiments. 

I'm standing there on the street waiting for my food, smoking a cigarette and I glance around cautiously for an ashtray but there is none. A middle-aged Greek sitting at the bar has been watching me. You can just put your cigarette out on the street he motions. See nobody cares! I laugh self consciously and stub it out by my feet. The moments there stick in my mind as I walk back up the streets to the hotel with my meal in my hand. The evening is setting in.

While eating on the balcony, I look up at the stars, I'm trying to make out the constellations. The big dipper is the only one I recognise. I'm reminded of Germany, laying out in the field at night with my sister and her then husband. My sister always calls it: the saucepan. Suddenly I'm determined to learn the other constellations, that is to spot them. I look on my phone and recognize the names, Draco, Cassiopeia, Orion, but there is too much light pollution even from this small village around me. I keep leaning out peering up at the night sky, then checking my phone but I give up after a while. Not as clear as in South Germany here. 

I'm strangely not philosophical, not mystical as I used to be. I'm not intimidated or even intrigued by the vastness of life. Not questioning my purpose or 'soul searching', that term makes me cringe a little. I feel consolidated and calm as I move from moment to moment. Making tea in the evening has become a tiny ritual, I smoke and read and watch some YouTube videos on my phone. 

My home is here now where there is no news, no energy price hikes or warmongering. Just the rituals of my days. I'm immune to the Dutch and Scandinavian tourists, sometimes they stare, sometimes they bustle, they carry some of their country with them. Their grey lives hang on them, linger in their aura's. Fortunately they are few, its mostly just me. 

The girl at the café starts making my decaf frappe as soon as she sees me. Just a hello is enough now whether in the morning or afternoon. It's like clockwork. I'm consolidated. Walking around the semi-deserted bay in the heat of the sun is like a meditation. I'm always immersed in the blue of the sea. I could spend hours going over the pain and trauma of the last few years but I'm untouched by them, I'm not bitter here. I'm pain-free now. I'm long lost.