the medication is numb

friday 13 april

I’m back in reality, still under influence. I think I have to experience this night as if it were my last, still confined here though. I just need to totally let go, because fear is useless right now. I need to drink a lot of beer and smoke a lot of weed. I need to get out of the labyrinth but its best not to be sober; I wouldn’t be able to handle it otherwise. I done this kind of thing so many times now, I know how to ride it out. I know just about how to handle this loss of reality, sober is how the trips always start, then after the worst is over, just after the peak I start to medicate it, shake it, totally differentiate myself from it, waste everything and gradually let go. Still in the aftershock I recollect and slowly rise but it’s really no surprise to no one, because this kind of thing is becoming the norm. Shake it and medicate it and try not to feel shame, get back to playing the game. Fear is useless right now but I know the medication is numb.

words to accompany me

I am here now, all I have is now. All I have are words to accompany me. The words pour forth; they witness the loneliness, the solitude of bitterness. They have become the wanderer of an earth.

I am always trying to be there. Looking out across the mountains in complete depth. To be inside and outside in complete calm. Disappear.

I am here now, all I have is now. All I have are words to accompany me. The explanation, the handbook for the would-be witness. I can let the words out, let them stand out. They can become the script.

This can be my place of worship, this can be my church. Deep in the core. All planets across the sky. My landing strip: Mercury, Venus, Earth?

I am here now, all I have is now. All I have are words to accompany me. The library I mention in my will, the testament of no-choice. I can scatter the words behind me. Little seeds that fall on fertile ground.

IanSmith©2007

i have felt the currents

I know that there is nothing to fear, I feel as though I have nothing to hide but I do. Does that mean there is still fear, that somebody might see inside or is this private to everyone for entire lives?

The difference is that they decide what parts of me I have to hide; I know I have to wait for them to realize that there is nothing to fear. I feel as though I have nothing to hide but I do.

The distance is disappearing more and more, I notice that the things I think are more detached and relaxed. Taking time is not efficient for the young anymore, they cannot escape the silent force, and they betray each other because of it so easily.

I take my time and try not to forget the lessons I have already learnt. I see that I am moving just watching the distance decline and that is relaxed.

I do what I must do without actually doing things deemed worthy, I overlook them too. What I do is recognized by a few and the rest flows past the unconscious, the mind can tackle these things but it always slips away, it cannot be held for too long. I do the things that I must do and I overlook them too.

What have I done so far? I have scratched the surface; I have held my hand beneath the waves and felt the currents. I have been a conductor and in the storms I pause for thought. I reflect on those things that are to come, the unfolding of a man now taking root and every leaf on every tree. I listen to the breath of reincarnated destiny that speaks to me.

Here is where I cease to know because I have only scratched the surface.

divine planning

It’s hard to have a thought-process or a mindscape that is pure or a vision without the paradox. How can I be genuine in a society that lives on the fence between right and wrong? I cannot control the ripple effects of my actions without jeopardizing my values because I am not in control of how things come into being; I am not laying down the law. I want to do what’s right but how radical must I become before my actions stop contradicting my beliefs on a global scale?

I can scarce speak without reinforcing the lies; I can scarce hold my tongue when someone else is lying. I can hardly claim that what I communicate is not without a double meaning. In this world I can understand that hope is like dreaming, when my comfort is another mans misery. This is the power of the past, this is the karma of the ages, this is the history we choose to ignore because we are so insignificant individually to do anything about the power structures, it’s like rubbing salt into our own wounds, so it’s best to turn away, its best to silence the beggar with a coin so that he’ll go away for awhile.

Is this the divine plan, is this the cure, while I am rich another man is poor. Is this what being human is? I cast a vote but it’s like a joke, those I choose are deceivers but my life is in their hands, the key players are non-believers but they dictate my faith. I cannot believe my eyes; I cannot believe that this is what we are born to achieve: even more inequality. I don’t understand that we could be so blind but we choose what we want to see. Do you see something negative or do you see me?

This is the divine plan, this is the ripple effect, and this is the karma of my new project because the power I need in order to achieve lies dormant inside but the awakening is at hand.

Truth is in the paradox.

Insensitive man

the seperation

There was a foreboding in their countenance that displeased us and the earth itself trembled as they walked upon it. There was no longer respect in their voices or the shining forth of the divine in their wake. The earth was starting upon its decline and the first tremor of pain was felt by all. We sought council with the ancient mother and learned that doom was in the minds of all. A new power had been unfolding from the far reaches of their minds.

This anguish was before unheard of in the land and we inhabitants were disappointed and confused by it. They wished no longer to merge with the masculine; they split themselves apart from us. They wanted to stay and hence return into the earth and take all of our creation with them.

I reached out to Atlantis but the earth spoke against it and the ocean was mad with a fury. So I stood on the shores and wept as I gazed out to where my brethren live and where the mighty kingdoms lye. I had never known sorrow or separation before and it scarred a deep scar on my soul. The very earth was torn by the madness and the new violence, the almighty sun itself left our faces as we fled.

Lemuria

I am the new yet formed from years long forgotten. Before the flooding and the breaking of the earth I roamed the lands known as Lemuria and danced in the cosmic rays, I bathed in the divine lunar and created those beings that brought forth the light and took the forests and rivers as their home. This was the land of my dreams; the inhabitants were much loved by me and also by those that traveled after me from our great home Atlantis. I wandered through many lands and I saw the dawn of the rising stars.

The divine feminine was strong in the land and the creative forces were concentrated on all that which grows from the earth, all that springs forth and is born of the sacred mother. I never knew such bliss as wandering through the gardens and forests beside those creatures of the earth in Lemuria.

We walked side by side on the shores of the great land and sung to those cetaceans of the ocean. Ancient songs of past and future communion and we brought forth even more life and the new earth with it. We felt the rising of Atlantis in the weather and we knew that they had grown stronger than ever and we were glad because they were wise and powerful in connection with the heavens and the stars and the infinite source. We wished only for the sun and the moon and the earth and the ocean. Our minds were growing on a different plane, we stayed close to the mother but we were glad.

cosmic dust

All the melodies the musicians gave me and the words of the writers that save me, I am in silence now. I am separated, but the world bears witness to the whole, I am also connected now. We are together in abstraction and this is living. I believe I have found something of every man and every woman; I have captured a piece of every soul like granules of cosmic dust falling in a cathedral. We are not running anymore, we are not traveling really, we are not going deeper underground, we are not exploring space, we are not defining being part of this human race, we are, we just simply are…

crazy game

I was born into a place where no-one understood me and I retreated often without them getting the point. I am surrounded by so many but with no connection; expression is wasted and seen as something like wanting attention when there just is none to be had.

This is no exaggeration now though tomorrow it might be, just my brain needing release. I’m tired of trying to explain myself when I know there is no comprehension in this prison, even though the light flooding in through my window is redirected through the prism, it can be cruel as well as beautiful.

I came here with a task but the force is swallowed up by hungry mouths and my ability to feel overwhelms me. Still they ask me how my path is and when I tell them they retreat, I am on a mission, there is no defeat.

The affinity that keeps me from going insane is with those long passed, so I play the game and pretend I feel the same, fighting against the fake, fighting against the mistakes they make, I shall not make them.

It scares me sometimes that I am so far removed from them but they are removed from me, this is the freedom, this is the space I need, this is the place I crave. This is how I save myself time and again; this is my master-move in this crazy game.

Avoid the manipulations, control and power of the lower realms by being responsible for the games you play.

peak

I sometimes forget the plants and the trees and all living things, they breathe the same air I breathe, and they are here for me. They have the beauty that can make me smile yet all the while I somehow think; I am not getting the things I need.

There is a hope of better things to come, like a distant beach in a far off place, some simple appreciation from someone close to me, one who wandered many lands and knew that I would be waiting here.

Evidently not yet, for I have not left this stream, sunshine shall ever shine on the earth, whether we notice or not. It dances on the water shimmering.

Tropical rainforests wait below as we climb higher to reach the view, to reach the highest peaks inward and outward, then we look out upon heaven hand in hand.

Still not much common ground

I rarely touch down here

Sand and lost splendor

Ruins of kingdoms

Power

They gave me jewels

Long ago

brow-of-calm

Let us be the same even though we once were different and try to accept that whatever we choose to do, our innermost being is more adept than anything else.The innermost is wiser than any proverb, a fertile valley, a luscious landscape where anything can grow.

Nurture yourself and know yourself above all else, accept yourself without sanity, without suspicion or doubt.

This is what life is about.

faith in fate

Faith in nothing except what I had faith in before, now that is fading too. A new beginning isn’t taking shape, without second chances and fate, I seem to slowly disintegrate. Every action is without visible reactions because my eyelids seem to be sewn shut but I see defeat and disappointment therein. I was part of this great wheel, a simple spoke, now my disappearing is a joke. This is my failure, my expectation, and my desire; to attain a mind state that is higher, to reach a new plane on which to communicate without distaste, with grace. This is my lost faith, this is my fate.

transformation

It’s hard to look inside, it’s hard to look outside; it’s hard to look with honesty at anything. We always see things the way we want to see them and when we do see things for how they really are, we often use our reasoning and past experiences to change the incoming perception and registration to fit the perfect image of self. When we see negative aspects of self or areas that could be improved, or painful, sensitive areas we often get scared and leave them untouched.

Mostly these areas are the most powerful and can bring around the most changes; these areas hold the most prospects. These parts when faced head on and accepted can be transformed into areas of power and transformation.

destiny and acceptance

Do you believe in destiny?

Yes. I believe that everyone has a destiny, a place of pure being, a homecoming of realization and actualization. I also believe that many people are unhappy and unfulfilled because they aren’t living out their destiny.

But many people don’t know their destiny, they don’t even know of it.

True. Not many people really know who they are or what destiny is.

Why do we not know who we are?

We often don’t know who we really are because of our programming, we have been taught how to behave, we are told how to act, we are told what is good and what is bad and most often don’t get to discern for ourselves what works or doesn’t. It is easy to become a copy of someone else or grow in a way society wants us to without questioning if what we are doing and where we are going really suits our personal selves.

Those who behave in a spontaneous manner and do what they want to do are always looked at to be doing something strange. It’s different, it’s unusual and therefore it cannot be right. The behavior doesn’t suit the programming and so it is in conflict, this is why it is so hard to be oneself. Behavior that isn’t the norm will be condemned by those living the norm; it can be uncomfortable to see someone who is free from conditioning while you are not.

Living authentically is difficult but after awhile it becomes easier and easier, when you feel you are reaching towards the unknown and the uncharted you will feel energy and synchronicity. Then your true self will take over and inner peace will suddenly flow from within. When you are living your destiny, living authentically and with originality you will be content, you can do great things and you have a source of power because you are doing what you are here on earth to do.

Discover what you should be doing, what you can ultimately be, the talents and gifts you have will show you the way. Acceptance is the first step, acceptance of everything, every horror that lies within, every distasteful or painful thing; these are the things that hold us back. These are the things that cause confusion and denial but are really essential for growth and development. It is not easy; it isn’t hard though either, our thoughts are what make it difficult. Meditation can help you reach a state of clarity and awareness.

abide lighter

Be silent as you walk, be the calm. Drown in the vast sky that covers all things and sink into any drop of water. There are no thoughts in this part of the woods only wonder, there is nothing but tranquility here. You will feel delight just knowing that your eyes are open, a rebirth of all senses. The sounds of the earth will become the music you like to hear, the chords that vibrate inside of you. The scent of the everlasting is in the air, fill your lungs with vitality. In this silence you will cease to exist, receive this blessing.

inner transformation

I have been thinking a lot lately about where I am right now, on every scale and in every aspect. Most of the time it is hard to be positive at all although sometimes it comes very easily and with great power and inner peace.

I have noticed that I am able to feel global struggles internally and have to be careful not to dwell on them or internalize them. I feel negativity as being a direct result of my own doings and most of all my thoughts about my doings; this is of course the case, only not on the scale I once thought.

Through me flows the collective consciousness and I give back what I feel, that is why it is so important to stay positive because I am effecting the way the rest of the world is feeling and evolving.

Although I’m sure to be looked upon as a strange and eccentric person, one who seems to be going nowhere but deeper and deeper into his own self, I am less bothered by this, like never before I see my own course and respect it; I enjoy its exclusivity.

Inner transformation leads to outer transformation, different I have become and far-out the changes seem to be.

Those around me may well be alarmed, puzzled and even disgusted, but this is becoming less and less of an issue for me. I can’t really care less and that is the positive because as soon as I start questioning these developments as being abnormal, strange and maybe wrong than I fall into a negative perspective and affect the world in the same way.

Freedom is another word for nothing left to lose.

wasted without words

It is wasted I know but I think that from a distance I can send it. I imagine you receiving this flow and maybe you catch a thought as well from time to time. You know not quite from whom this comes.

I cannot speak. Words hold such power in cases like these, they hold huge meaning, they are the form, the passing of legends, and they are complacent with adjustment. It’s a dark threshold on which you stand and darker still if you should come to meet me.

I know these storms like the back of my hand, I know them like I know my own name, and they are one and the same, desperation and lonely elevation. I would have you know if you haven’t felt the change in me that I am learning how to free myself, I am learning how to turn the storms into silence and my every heartbeat into the everlasting, overflowing bliss. You have this same choice, through torture and pain; you can be ever greater than all the greats.

Words mean nothing really, they are just sounds. I am learning to transcend them, to soar higher, to get higher. Words can transform, words can delegate, and words are concrete in this case, a case of communication. A wretched communication, one of dreams none the less. I want to keep my mouth shut and I cannot speak but I must in order to be great.

This is that feeling again, we both know it, I am sure. Only through the eyes, through the honesty of your expression in such a closed scene, I realized. Now I am missing. Every thought of you is a comfort, a glowing, never through spoken word though. I question this feeling again, if you know it.

A year on the Broad Red Avenue (2003)

alchemy

While I was being crushed I had no trust, while I was being cut I had no courage. There were those that came close to killing me.

They try to cut the delicate strands that shoot forth from my abdomen, the strings of light that unravel and pour over like a fountain; they try to sever the spilling forth of mental transformation from my soul. They always nearly succeed.

They try to keep me mortal, I am expanding and they want rid of me, I am uncomfortable for them. They shall never stop but I forgive them. I shall always be the hunted because I am an elusive prey. I shall always be the haunted because I am a premonition of the future, a ghost that clings to the hearts of men and shall never let go.

This power is greater than any other alchemy, larger than the scale of all things, sharper than any double edged sword by far. That is why they cannot rest while I am loose, that is why they cannot relax, and they cannot find peace in the old.

I am the turning of the earth, the vibration from which all life springs forth, the burning, the shining, and the mesmerizing. I am the Brow of Calm.

New Facade

It's almost impossible to accept all parts of self, there is always some partial denial or resistance, but based on what? What is it about our creation that is so ugly and repulsive? There is absolutely nothing about us that is not an absolution, a total package.

It is our thinking that has created a dark and a light, a good and an evil, a beautiful and an ugly. We are ultimately what we think ourselves to be, but we are even more; that which we desire ourselves to be, the image we want to flaunt to the world.

Through this desire we create denial, denial of those things which we find to be flaws or weaknesses, things that don't fit the image of self. In that we are living a lie, and it is not those things, those so called dark sides of us which cause imbalance and unhappiness but rather the denial of those things and the disappointment in ourselves.

It’s a facade we maintain. That maintenance costs us everything, the very essence of living.

When however, we accept the totality of ourselves, learn to recognize everything we think and feel to have originated from ourselves and accept that as it is, we no longer need to lie, to deceive ourselves, we can be free.

Through that freedom we can perceive the world differently; we can see that there is no differentiation necessary. We don't need to run from ourselves, self-medicate ourselves and be disappointed in ourselves. We need to accept ourselves.